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Tuesday, 3 January 2006

.. and a little thought on the future

As the clock ticked past midnight, and 2006 came to stay for a year, i felt .. a kind of dread.

I dreaded the day ahead, because i'll have one less day to study for EoS.
I dreaded the week ahead, because my stay at home sweet home gonna be over.
I dreaded the month ahead, because my brother will be flying off to Melbourne.
I dreaded the year ahead, because i'll be under so much stress to survive uni.
I dreaded the half-decade ahead, because i don't know where my friends will be.
I dreaded the decade ahead, because i don't know where i will be.

As time passes, i dread even more. Because nothing is constant. Nothing is forever. Everything changes. Life changes. As they say, the only thing that is constant is change.

I hate change. It makes me feel i wasn't in control. Like i can't control my friends to keep in touch with me. Or that i can't control the economy so that my parents don't have to work themselves crazy to put me and my brothers thru education. Or like i can't control myself to stop feeling so pessimistic bout the days.. no, years ahead.

It felt weird when my Dad told our neighbour how they had worked their whole lives, and yet they earned nothing at all. How i wanna tell him he earned his children's admiration, respect and love. How i wanna tell him he didn't worked his whole life for nothing. How i wanna tell him how much i love him for what he had done.

Yet i kept mum. Because i wasn't sure whether i'll be able to prove to him that him working his ass off putting me thru uni is worth it. I had always thought i was already giving my best to make every buck he earned worth it. By getting As for exams. By being among the top of the class. Now i had achieved all that, i wasn't sure anymore.

I wasn't sure of myself in a lot of things. Whether i'm going to be a good doctor. Whether i should be a doctor. Did i made the right choice studying medicine? What if this wasn't what i want? What do i really want??

I guess only with time will the answers be revealed.. for now, i shall dread every step i will have to take.

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