9445: first step

Aaaaand here we go.

There's a first step for everything, and realising I am indeed not getting any younger, I decided this is time I overcome my social anxiety and take the initiative.

I'll see where I get on from here. Hopefully by this time next year, I'll at least be knee-deep in! And see how many from the list I can cross off. If anyone else's interested, get in touch.

To learn/do list:
Mountain biking
Long distance cycling
BMX biking
Wall climbing
Mountain climbing
Skiing
Snowboarding
Swimming
Surfing
Windsurfing
Kayaking
Scuba diving
Bungee jumping
BASE jumping
Skydiving

Blame this video (and every other one it led me to watch)



We only have one chance at living after all.

9432: three small glasses of rum

The elderly gentleman glanced at his watch umpteen times while he's in the department.

"Are you in a rush to get home, sir?" I asked, wondering why he is so anxious.

"Well, yes, you see if my wife gets home and couldn't find me she'll panic. I need to get home before she does."

"Ah. You had a nasty bump on your head though, we'll need to look at that first."

"Oh I'll be fine. I don't need anything done. No stitches."

"We can always give your wife a call to let her know you're here?"

"No it's okay I'll be fine. I just need to get home."

Eventually managed to convince him to stay until the wound was stitched, and he ran back home right away, still slightly staggery. Unfortunately for him though, I don't think his wife won't notice all his blood-soaked and dirty clothes. Guessing he must be worried he'll get an earful back home for drinking too much and 'slipping'.

Tsk. Men.

it's a good day to die

Note: Old draft. Written sometime during my Orthopaedic post, between May and August 2011. While on the train journey from Glasgow back to Dundee, I was suddenly reminded of this patient I came across. Was half-surprised to see this uncompleted draft sitting among my posts. Might not be what I intended to write at the time, but I guess I'll just finish it and publish anyway.

--

In medicine, it's not good to grow attached to the patients you treat. But sometimes, there is one or two that would make you smile, brighten up your day when everything else is pulling you apart.

But more so, it's the ones that are slowly slipping away that make you want to hold onto them tight for as long as you could.

--

He stumbled into our busy ward having broken his hip, just like dozens of patients do every week. Broken hips usually mean a death sentence even if they get fixed. These patients are usually elderly, and once they start falling and breaking bones, they lose their confidence, lose their mobility, and eventually lose their independence, ending up bed-bound waiting for the grim reaper. Yes, I sound morbid, but that's the way life is.

Still, much as I am steeled to the cycle of life, it always come as a shock when a patient slips away.

Being cared for by another team, I don't normally see to him and don't know much about him. All I gather from the notes is that he has dementia, and lives with his older brother. The times I actually spoke to him, nothing he says make sense.

I was made aware of him during my week of night shifts as he developed sepsis soon after his hip replacement. We did all we could, which in medical terms meant intravenous antibiotics, supportive treatment, and praying hard.

Sadly, he did not make it through.

It was dead in the night when I had to certify his death. As such, it rests on me to break the news to his next of kin.

"I'm very sorry, but he has just passed away." I said matter-of-factly, betraying no emotion. It was not my first time.
"Thank you so much for taking care of him, doctor," his brother replied through the phone.
"Would there be someone coming to see him?" I enquired.

A pause.

"No, I am his only family and I am too far away to come to the hospital."

I pressed the phone firmer onto my ear reflexively, totally unexpecting the answer I heard.

"It's okay. He's had a good life," said the weary voice on the other side of the phone.

--

I had to gather myself for a minute after I put down the phone.

I don't know you well, but I hope you did live a good life. And you might not be aware of it, but though your brother could not stay by your side, we the doctors and nurses have been with you as you move on to a better place. I wanted you to know you were not alone.

Dawn broke and my shift came to an end. As the sun shone brightly on a cloudless sky that day on my way home, I heard myself thinking, as if hoping he will hear it;

It is a good day to die.

9425: Welcome

"Welcome back." He looked at me with a smile as he hands back my passport.

A small gesture, perhaps out of habitual politeness that is so British. Yet it means something to me deep inside, I've just not figured out what. Is it a feeling of being welcomed here?

It's 3.5 years now I've been here in Scotland, and at least another 1.5 years to go. It still doesn't feel like home. Maybe it's not meant to be. This is just where I live and work after all.

I was back in Malaysia the past week, and things has changed so much beyond recognition that the sense of 'home', of belonging somewhere is slowly being eroded.

Just yesterday my dad drove by our old place in Senai. And the first home I grew up in is no longer there, its place being taken over by foliage and trees. In fact I passed it without realising.

Of course, home is where the heart is. With my family is always be where I will feel home. But like a bird that has flew away from its nest it grew up in, I need to find my own home. Somewhere I belong.

"Are you coming back?" seems to be the question every relative pop out now (before the dreaded when are you going to find someone and get married). If I'm being honest, no. Much as I love Malaysia, much as I am pseudo-patriotic, I do not intend to be back anytime soon. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to experience as much as I can. We only have this one life, and it'll be a shame to turn down the chance I've been given to open my eyes and mind.

Perhaps that answers my own question. Maybe I'm not someone who will be content settling down in one place for long. At least, not for now anyway.

At least, until I find a reason to stay behind. Someone.

9313: nasi lemak

I cried today.

In my own room, in front of my computer, I cried.

It's something I have not felt in a long, long time. Too long.

As tears filled my eyes, I wondered how long have I been in denial.

I am homesick.

--

Namewee, I salute you. Just when Malaysia needed someone like you, you appeared and rose up to the occasion. When the media taints your name and society condemned you, you refuse to give up and instead proved yourself to everyone.

Nasi Lemak 2.0 is the best movie I have ever watched, if only for one simple reason. It grabbed me by the shoulders, shook me hard, and reminded me that I have forgotten what Malaysia actually meant to me.

--

我的好朋友 外面風雨強
My dear friend, even though there's strong winds blowing outside
赤道上 有座五彩繽紛的天堂
There's always a colourful Heaven on the Equator
別四處遊蕩 回到老地方
Stop wandering around, come back to the old place (home)
一個家 一個夢想 一起大聲唱
One home, one dream, let's sing loudly together

外國的月亮幾圓
The moon overseas may be so round
外國的美女幾靓
The girls overseas may be so pretty
外國的天空幾藍
The sky overseas may be so blue
所以 外國人都搬來大馬
So the people overseas are all moving to Malaysia.

出門要懂認路回家
When you leave your home, you should recognise the way home
要吃最好吃的飯 叫做 “每天團圓飯”
The tastiest meal is a "reunion dinner" everyday.

--

Negara ini tak seteruk yang kita fikir
Cuma ada pihak yang cakap bukan-bukan dalam akhbar.

It has gone past 3 years now I have been in this foreign land. I came with a bunch of friends and saw them, one by one, leave this country. In a way, I envy them, for having the courage to go home knowing the challenges that await while I sit here being comfortable and taking the easy route. And in that blissful comfort, I have only now realised I had forgotten where my home is.

I have forgotten the way home.

So, thanks for showing me the way.

--
When I eat my nasi lemak tomorrow, it'll mean so much more to me that just a dish I missed having.

Rest In Peace
Chee Hood Siong
(1945 - 2011)
Malaysian comedian, actor

9168: TMI

Patient: I've been feeling nauseated and getting this pain down in my tummy.

Hungry me: Was there anything else that you experienced?

Patient: *thinks hard* Oh, there was this one time, I farted and got more than I bargained for ..

Not-so-hungry-anymore me: . . .

--

Some patients just don't want to disappoint..

9119: it's sunny again today

Today I realised.

Being a medical student and a junior doctor can be worlds apart.

I'm not sure if I should be disgusted or bemused that I can stick my finger up any bum without the slightest hint of apprehension anymore.

And being able to tell a patient I'm going to do that with a totally straight face, like I stick my finger up bums everyday.

Wait, that's not right.

--

That said, I should probably be proud that my finely honed skill of finger-prodding correctly diagnosed an upper gastrointestinal bleed today.

Oh she was an absolutely lovely wee ol' lady as well!