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Friday, 30 September 2005

We learn all our lives..

I've learned..

..that it is absolutely possible to feel everything yet nothing at all.. My mood has been oscillating so much these days, sometimes i don't even know whether i'm happy or sad. Everything that happened around me, everything that happened to me, seems to pull my emotions towards opposite directions. I don't know what i'm feeling right now..what i'm SUPPOSED to feel. Happy yet sad. Elated yet disappointed. Proud yet ashamed. I just felt...torn apart. It felt empty inside, i can't feel anything..yet i felt everything..

..that for every win, someone loses..
Our team won first place in the basketball competition in IMU Cup yesterday, beating Pharmacy to it. On one hand, i'm rather happy i think, for we'd done our batch proud. Practice doesn't make perfect, it takes determination. Joseph fought his pain and led us to victory, playing with a sprained ankle. I gotta salute him for that, not many people can even claim to be able to do that. On the other hand, i felt sad. Sad that we've to throw my bro's team out of the running for gold medals to get the gold medals ourselves. Disappointed that i didn't get to play in the finals, even though i knew i'd jeopardize our chances. Ashamed that as Wei Loong puts it, "We don't deserve to get first place. Only 3 players in our team are good..but the whole of the other team is good." We win, but at the expense of others..even others more deserving than us.

..that a single event can change your future..
Just received a call from my Dad. Bad news. Lee Foundation decided to cover only half of my tuition fees in IMU. Which means my Dad won't be able to afford to send me overseas. Which means i won't be going to PMS. No, i'm not sad. I already understood years beforehand that i might not be able to study abroad, considering my family's financial situation. But i had hoped, and it's not a good feeling to have your hope shattered, even if it's just a glimmer of hope you had. Disappointed maybe, but no, i'm certainly not sad. Just.. broken.

..that friendships are easy to build, even easier to break, but as difficult to mend as a smashed tofu..
Sometimes it happens. Friendships, built up over months, broke down over weeks, and never mend completely. I never liked to see friends fall out on each other, for it hurts my heart when i see friendships collapsed. Maybe it's because i'm a sentimental person, maybe it's because i don't want to be caught in between two 'ex-friends', maybe i just want everyone to be friends. Whatever it is, whatever i think does not matter as i hold nothing over others' friendships. They make and break friends as they like. I can just hope they make up and not ask me to choose sides instead.

..and that in doubt or confusion, friends make me happy =)
Came back from dinner today at Sri Petaling with Chow, Ben, Jane June, Vincent and Jackie, and i felt more 'banana' than ever haha. This is the first time in 2 years i've been in an all-Mandarin speaking group (even tho i'm quite surprised to know they can speak Mandarin so well). Something tells me i have to improve my Mandarin/Cantonese ^^". Had laughs, lots of laughs, and i felt that everything's that has been dragging me down seem so insignificant in my life. Life's meant to be lived. And living doesn't include feeling down over nothing at all. So to my friends, cheers and LIVE~

PS - gonna be a volunteer at the Pet Fair organised by SPCA at the Mines tomorrow =). Signed up for it coz firstly, i love animals hehe. Secondly, i'd most probably be sleeping my weekend away anyway so might as well i do something productive =P.

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