We learn all our lives..

I've learned..

..that it is absolutely possible to feel everything yet nothing at all.. My mood has been oscillating so much these days, sometimes i don't even know whether i'm happy or sad. Everything that happened around me, everything that happened to me, seems to pull my emotions towards opposite directions. I don't know what i'm feeling right now..what i'm SUPPOSED to feel. Happy yet sad. Elated yet disappointed. Proud yet ashamed. I just felt...torn apart. It felt empty inside, i can't feel anything..yet i felt everything..

..that for every win, someone loses..
Our team won first place in the basketball competition in IMU Cup yesterday, beating Pharmacy to it. On one hand, i'm rather happy i think, for we'd done our batch proud. Practice doesn't make perfect, it takes determination. Joseph fought his pain and led us to victory, playing with a sprained ankle. I gotta salute him for that, not many people can even claim to be able to do that. On the other hand, i felt sad. Sad that we've to throw my bro's team out of the running for gold medals to get the gold medals ourselves. Disappointed that i didn't get to play in the finals, even though i knew i'd jeopardize our chances. Ashamed that as Wei Loong puts it, "We don't deserve to get first place. Only 3 players in our team are good..but the whole of the other team is good." We win, but at the expense of others..even others more deserving than us.

..that a single event can change your future..
Just received a call from my Dad. Bad news. Lee Foundation decided to cover only half of my tuition fees in IMU. Which means my Dad won't be able to afford to send me overseas. Which means i won't be going to PMS. No, i'm not sad. I already understood years beforehand that i might not be able to study abroad, considering my family's financial situation. But i had hoped, and it's not a good feeling to have your hope shattered, even if it's just a glimmer of hope you had. Disappointed maybe, but no, i'm certainly not sad. Just.. broken.

..that friendships are easy to build, even easier to break, but as difficult to mend as a smashed tofu..
Sometimes it happens. Friendships, built up over months, broke down over weeks, and never mend completely. I never liked to see friends fall out on each other, for it hurts my heart when i see friendships collapsed. Maybe it's because i'm a sentimental person, maybe it's because i don't want to be caught in between two 'ex-friends', maybe i just want everyone to be friends. Whatever it is, whatever i think does not matter as i hold nothing over others' friendships. They make and break friends as they like. I can just hope they make up and not ask me to choose sides instead.

..and that in doubt or confusion, friends make me happy =)
Came back from dinner today at Sri Petaling with Chow, Ben, Jane June, Vincent and Jackie, and i felt more 'banana' than ever haha. This is the first time in 2 years i've been in an all-Mandarin speaking group (even tho i'm quite surprised to know they can speak Mandarin so well). Something tells me i have to improve my Mandarin/Cantonese ^^". Had laughs, lots of laughs, and i felt that everything's that has been dragging me down seem so insignificant in my life. Life's meant to be lived. And living doesn't include feeling down over nothing at all. So to my friends, cheers and LIVE~

PS - gonna be a volunteer at the Pet Fair organised by SPCA at the Mines tomorrow =). Signed up for it coz firstly, i love animals hehe. Secondly, i'd most probably be sleeping my weekend away anyway so might as well i do something productive =P.

Update, update...

Sigh...with so many things happening the past week, i got too lazy to blog. Some days i felt like blogging yet i realize there's nothing to blog about.. then there are days that are the complete opposite. Sometimes i wonder...do i blog for myself, or for other people? That's when i realize...this is becoming something other than what my idea of a 'blog' is. So...'unprivate'. Guess the internet's no place for private stuff heh. Everytime i post, i have to think of what others might think of what i posted. So much restrictions. Ah well, i'll just split my private and public thoughts to separate blogs. Everyone's happy that way, right..

Enough of my crappings. Decided to join the choir club last week just to try out something new. I've always loved music, any kind of music. But no, i don't sing in public because i'm too self-conscious to let other ppl hear my bad singing =P. And with just 3 days of 'practice', we sang "Here, There, Everywhere" (which was sang by Clay Aiken during American Idol) during the National Health Science Debate closing ceremony. 3 days of practice...for 45 seconds on stage. Haha..at least the audience enjoyed it (to a certain extent =P). Next up on our choir group's fixture is the IMU Art Competition on 4th Oct...we'll be singing "Eyes on Me" =)

Spent nearly 400 bucks last Saturday. RM250 goes to my new Reebok basketball shoes (coz my last one was decimated by that damn tar basketball court). Went all the way to MidValley to find some shoes. Cheapest one was RM230, so after much consideration i just grabbed a pair at random haha. Just hope they can last a few years at least. RM120 goes to contact lenses. Don't ask me, i don't know what the hell was on my mind when i decided to buy contacts. I sort of just thought of buying contacts, walked into Focus Point, and came out less than half an hour later with 120 bucks less in my wallet. Didn't even compare the prices, thought of how much i gonna use them, etc etc. A compulsive buyer, i am. Sigh..

Just bout 2 hours ago, our basketball team made it into the finals =). Managed to edge my bro's Sem 5 team by only 3 points. I didn't get to play, but i didn't have much confidence in myself anyway. Wanted to brush up on my basketball skills (i can't even dribble properly..) but don't seem to find the time to practice coz there's always ppl playing on the IMU court everyay. I'll just wait till IMU Cup over then..

PS - gonna donate blood tomorrow, this'll be the third time for me hehe. What to do, my blood in great demand mah =P (actually my blood type is O la haha..)

PS PS - damn PBL made me slept only 5 hours this morning...ended up sleeping thru the whole day's lectures and even almost slept during PBL ==". Must sleep early from now on..and start doing PBL research earlier..

bon voyage..

One of my best and longest-serving friends left Malaysia yesterday morning. I've known him since Standard 5..that's 1997. Still remember the time i sat next to him, and we'll whack each other everytime class ends haha. Don't even know how it got started. Turned into some kind of routine i guess haha. But we don't really know each other until end of Standard 6, when the first 'slumber party' is held at his place (actually it was Eric who invited me =P). Sigh... feel so nostalgic thinking of those times..

Fast forward 8 years, and we've seen each other grow up so much. We laughed, we fought (ok, it's me kena bantai by him all the time). He's since overgrown his violent tendencies (that's why i'm still alive i guess haha), and i've stopped being his punching bag. There've been so many times i stayed over at his place, it's like a free hotel to me. Birthdays, festivals, BNOs, LNOs (oops =P), even new year parties we had celebrated at his place (coz there's a pool downstairs!). There was once he invited me to his and his neighbours' new year eve's party...the thing is, i know nobody there.. O.o Haha.. till now i still wonder why do you invite me alone to the party? Feels so out of place at that time haha..

Now, after so many years of being stuck together (not that either of us wanted it haha), he's finally leaving us (yes, finally.. =P). While me and the others here are stuck in IMU, Malaysia for at least another 2.5 years, he'll be flying off to Sheffield University, UK. Caught up with him yesterday morning while he's in transit to get on the plane from KLIA to UK, and managed to give him a bottle of vodka as a parting gift hehe (imported from Kiosk, SS15 =P). We thought hard on what to write while having breakfast at Melur (actually only YS and Pat's thinking hehe). Rejected "Friends Forever!" coz it sounds too gay haha. In the end it was written "Whitish fluid from all of us. All da best!". Wanted to add "PS - We left some space for you" but ran out of space haha.

Bon voyage, Yong Chen aka killakat aka slimy shitt aka uno catalysto! You better bring back souvenirs that's worth our taxi fares to and from KLIA =P. Dun be a stranger, ma nigga!

'What? You say you'll be back in 3 months time? What a waste of time to send you off..'
Haha =P

Week 3 and i'm dead..

Three weeks. And it felt like i've been here for months. Sigh..not that i don't enjoy every moment being in IMU, just that...i'm so exhausted at times...

First, the non-stop lectures. It's draining my life force out of me i tell you =P. Everyday as soon as the lectures start, i'll go into my routine morning nap. Not that i can help it, lecturers are universally known to put people to sleep, right? And on days when i succeed in staying awake, my brain will be switched off to conserve energy. Which means i've been pretending to listen to lectures these past few days. Sigh..looks like i HAVE to become one of the library furniture soon. Tried to go library and look thru the lecture notes this morning and guess what, i fell asleep juz by looking at the papers. O.o

Must be the IMU Cup that has been making me feel so tired. Hehe..but i already knew i'll lag behind if i sign up for IMU Cup. Neway, my plan now is to get IMU Cup over and done with, then double up my pace to catch up on my studies. I'm not sure i can do that, but i really can't focus on revisions and sports at the same time. I need my 10 hours of sleep a day =P

Talking bout IMU Cup, it's not going very well for Sem1 at the moment. Already lost in a couple of sports edi, and sad to say, some of our teams don't even stand a chance at all. 1 week of practice won't get you far anyway. Thankfully we have better luck at basketball ^^. Our guys' team juz beat Sem2 yesterday. 62-30. The score is deceiving, because of all 12 players, only 3 are really good hehe. Still, a victory's a victory =P. On the other hand, girls, sigh...our girls basketball team kena bully teruk teruk ^^". Thrashed by Sem3 last Sunday and by Sem5 yesterday. The girls have been training really hard, but the other girls are so tall...and so ganas O.o . Nvm..next IMU Cup we thrash the juniors =P

And btw decided not to join cheerleading coz basketball and taichi have already killed my legs. Could barely stand when i have to go thru such torture everyday hehe. Think i'll wait for next year then. Oh, and i managed to get a preview of our Sem1 cheerleading team during taichi session, and erm, it looks rather ok at this time. Can't wait to see their performance in bout a month's time ..

And before i forget again, a very happy birthday to my little brother who turned 16 today. I nearly forgot to send him happy birthday message until my father reminded me on the phone 3 hours from the deadline ^^".. something tells me i have to get more rest.. *yawn*..

-11.17pm, 19 September 2005-

IMU Cup...stressing me up like hell (..over nth)

Sigh...'fresh' out of orientation, yet to recover from all the ragging, and we were given only a week to prepare for IMU Cup. To say how rushed all of these are, i was involuntarily appointed as the basketball rep. Just because our sports rep was my orientation groupmate and i was sitting near him and i signed up for basketball and he was too lazy and with an "I love you la, Siaw" i was entrusted the job of getting everything bout Sem 1's basketball team set up. WTF..

First things first. Our girls' basketball team was supposed to have their first match this Sunday, 72 hours away from when i became basketball rep. And there's only 3 confirmed players out of the required 5. SMSed away on my hp til it combusted to find 2 more girls. By now (11pm) i still can't get any other girls to confirm. Have to make do then. Hope the 3 girls managed to con their friends into this. If not, they'll have to play without subs.

Then it's the practicing (in more professional term, training =P). Only one day to practice. To be precise, only 2 hours. Tomorrow, the girls will get together for a 2 hour training. Wonder what can be achieved in that short time. Some more i don't know who will coach them. Sigh..just depend on 'natural talent' la haha..

The boys' team...well, can forget bout that too. I'll figure out what to do with them after the match on Sunday. Heard there's some really good basketball players in our batch. But then most of the ppl who signed up seems to be involved in other sports too. Looks like i have to burn some more of my hp credit to get them together on Monday..

Sigh...enough bout the basketball stuff. I had wanted to join cheerleading too but they are looking for 'big' guys. And heard there's more guys than girls in the squad O.o . Haha...i think it'd be really fun to try out cheerleading. Maybe after the girls' basketball training tomorrow i'll ask Yun bout it. Hope my thighs can tahan some more torture..especially after futsal and tai-chi the last few days ^^"

Gah...i can't blog any more than this la. I'm nearly brain-dead from stressing out over our girls' basketball team. I don't even know why the heck am i stressing out for. Gonna see how good they are tomorrow...hope we can get at least a medal from basketball (yeah, fat hope.. =P)

-11.41pm, 9 September 2005-

Am i getting old? =P

Sigh...i feel like i have become a lot older these past few days. Ermm..to be exact, i don't feel as young as i used to feel anymore. I tried to cut down on my spending instead of asking my parents for more money. I start to watch what i eat instead of picking at my food. I tried out the swimming pool next block instead of trying out the nearest cybercafe. I went JOGGING instead of staying at home SLEEPING O.o. I feel so... adult haha..

Maybe i AM getting old =P. This is my last teenage year anyway. A year later, and i'm no longer considered a teenager. Felt so strange that i'm supposed to be an adult soon when i'm in a state of denial deep inside. I read this somewhere, and maybe it's true.. (i rephrased it coz i don't remember exactly what's written.. so it may not have the same inspirational effect =P)

When you're 19 years old, you're not exactly 19. You're also 18, 17, 16, 15, all the way till 1.

When you feel like crying because you lost your handphone, that's not the 19-year-old you. That's the 6-year-old you.
When you feel angry because a friend spoiled your favourite shirt, that's not the 19-year-old you. That's the 10-year-old you.
When you feel sad because someone dear to you left you, that's not the 19-year-old you. That's the 14-year-old you.

So as your birthday passed by, you don't get older. You get a whole new you.

Even if you're 40 years old, there'll still be the 16-year-old you that wanna listen to that rock song.
Or the 18-year-old you that wanna try out bungee-jumping.
Or the 20-year-old you that wanna start a new fashion fad.

Hehe...i don't even know what i'm crapping here. Just suddenly wanna blog bout nothing. Now if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna check out Chinese Martial Arts aka Tai-Chi lessons in the Atrium..and no, it's NOT for old people only =P

-5.17pm, 6 September 2005-

The time of our life...

My...what long time since i last blogged. I've been pretty busy since then up to now, with me busy trying to get into IMU, busy getting into IMU, busy being in IMU, and most of all, busy entering university life, the next chapter of my life.

To summarize everything up, i received the call from IMU that i'm offered admission into the August intake on 19th (Fri). Busy buying the shirts and ties and slacks on 21st (Sun). Busy trying to get IMU to confirm me a place (coz the caller somehow forgot she called me before and called me again) on 22nd (Mon). Rushed to Bukit Jalil at 6am just to reach IMU in time for the registration on the 24th (Wed). Have to thank my mom and dad for taking time off from work to drive me to IMU =).

First week of university.. (starting uni life..)
While in Bukit Jalil, i bunked in with my bro in his tiny room. The first week went by without much interesting stuff...juz some briefings and an English test. I got to know some of the other tutees that are under the same tutor as me, but i don't see them much after that. Friday, we were split into 15 groups with bout 12 members and bout 5 Orientation Officers (OO) each. I was in Group 3. Under some really famous senior OOs haha. We agreed on our group name on Friday itself, and did our group cheers and flag during the weekend. But little did i know what was to come during orientation (tho i have heard horror stories bout it from a number of ppl).

Second week of university.. (..and then the fun starts!)
The second week was our orientation week. Briefings in the morning, and as soon as we got the chance to run out of the auditorium, every group rushed around IMU trying to get the seniors' signature. Signature Hunt is what this perverse game is called =P. Haha..actually we just chased after specific seniors and did whatever they say to get their signature. Orders include 'caterpillar race', 'horseback riding', cheer-fights, do some stupid things to some unsuspecting seniors, stuff like that. We got all enthusiastic at first, but the spirit sort of went to sleep halfway thru the week ^^". By Friday we got sick of getting seniors' signatures already. For my group at least..coz somehow by sheer coincidence or something, all the lazy people got into the same group haha =P.

Monday - the day ice breaks
There's a dress code for each day of the week, and Monday is my group's celebrity cross-dressing day. Saris did the job for most of the male members but i got special treatment..i get to wear our group leader, Rahel's dress. She's smaller than me but somehow i still got into the dress O.o . And what's celebrities without make-ups. Our faces became the 'testing' ground for the girls (who mostly never put on makeup before O.o). In the end, i didn't dare to look at a mirror so i don't know which level of hell i'm supposed to look like i come from =P. But seriously..i've never got so many 'You're hot!' from so many people before (even strangers!). Don't know if i should be happy or not.. haha..

In the late evening was ice-breakers, another sadistic activity the orientation committee came up with haha =P. The juniors (us) were gathered around the volleyball court, and the next thing we know, all kind of shit fell from the sky..literally. Sometimes it rained water, but most of the time it rained flour, eggs, butter and balloons containing some liquid that smelled like garbage (our OO later said it's water from fermented frogs O.o). It rained and rained till all of us had cakes on our hair. Torturous as it may sound, it really does break the ice among the group members, mostly because we have to huddle together in a survival instinct to be safe from those predators. By the end of the day, we smelled bad all right, but compared to the next few days, we might as well be wearing perfumes. Haha...

Tuesday - Merdeka eve!
There's a Merdeka celebration BBQ at night so there's no orientation activity planned for the evening. Much of the day was spent around getting more seniors' signatures and trying to get the smell off our orientation T-shirt (we need to wear it for later activities).

Wednesday - Happy Birthday Malaysia!
Our group got together to discuss bout the group performance and IMCC* performance for Variety Night on Friday.
*i forgot what it stands for..but it's supposed to sound like "I'm sissy". Go figure.

Thursday - the day hell broke loose (and the REAL ragging begins)
The usual stuff in the morning, signature hunt all thru late afternoon. In the evening was 'Treasure Hunt'..and if it sounds like fun, it's deceiving. Unless, of course, your idea of 'fun' is getting ink, paint, more flour, more eggs, more butter, more 'garbage water', wasabi, sambal, belacan, all kind of shit you can think of, some more water that smell worse than shit, etc on your body. 15 stations. 15 kinds of torture. More than 5 hours of 'fun'. Think 'Fear Factor'...without the fear, but with sadistic Station Masters (SM). Haha...but really, this is the most fun time of the whole orientation. I'm starting to miss it already haha O.o ..tho it took days to wash the smell and stain off my orientation shirt..

Friday - Variety Night (more like low-quality porn night haha)
My group got so lazy (yes..our OOs too =P) we decided to forget bout the Signature Hunt and Dress Code. But we got a reason for being lazy...our IMCC fell sick the day before. Guess who became his substitute O.o. Less than 12 hours to the performance, and i was told i had to stand in for him. God help me...

So..what's an IMCC anyway? Many of the freshies didn't know, but having friends and bro in IMU beforehand is handy. Each group has to send an IMCC for the 'beauty pageant' on Variety Night. One guy, dressed up and made up as beautiful as possible (you'll be surprised by how 'possible' it is to make a guy beautiful..). Each IMCC has to be a Disney character. My group was supposed to send a Sleeping Beauty O.o . (ok, i know, i suit this character a lot ^^")

1pm. Final touches to Sleeping Beauty's gown. 3pm. Last rehearsals for group and IMCC performances. 5.30pm. Dressing up Sleeping Beauty. 6pm. IMCCs gather in LT1 for final preparations. It's really funny...me sitting there, 4 girls touching up my face. Feel like i'm some celebrity that needs to look beautiful every moment or something. By 7pm i had so much make-up on (eye-shadows, eyeliners, mascara, lipsticks, lip-gloss, foundation, you name it, it's on my face), i barely recognize myself haha. Took lots of picture, and finally it's time to go up on stage..

I won't go into what IMCCs did on the stage, you use your own imagination =P. One thing for sure..once you watched all those IMCCs' performance, you're never gonna watch another Disney movie anymore haha. As for my performance, nah..i don't think i did a satisfactory job (i didn't have time to practise!) but the experience's gonna stay in my memory forever. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience..coz i'm never ever gonna dress up as a girl in my life ever again! (it's more like for others than for myself haha =P ..i don't want to cause a sore-eye epidemic)

Group performance-wise, we didn't do any better too ^^". But with the theme horror, it's really hard to make it interesting, funny and not-too-vulgar at the same time. But i gotta salute Group 1, who's theme was documentary. I never knew a human's life cycle can be THAT interesting and funny haha...

Saturday - last day of orientation..sob sob..
Due to extreme fatigue caused by Variety Night, our group (which by now has whittled down to half) unanimously decided to skip Telematch this morning. Quoting Rahel, our leader, 'Group 3 doesn't exist anymore after Friday' haha. But i did wanted to come, so does a few other group members (if only we asked each other to come..). Doesn't matter anyway..don't think i can wake up in time for it haha (last night ended at 1.30am..and congrats to Prasad aka Swan Princess for winning the pageant!). Heard it was almost the same as 'Treaure Hunt'..except we get to compete against each other this time (Treasure Hunt was more like a 'survival' game ;) )

At night, we had BBQ nite =). This time, Group 3 got revived. Most of the group came...maybe it's the food that draws them haha. We started BBQing at round 7pm, but each time a chicken wing or sausage was ready, it disappeared. I noticed the same thing happened to the other BBQ pits as well. Freaky... haha. Actually the seniors kept asking for food so what to do, we have to 'contribute' to their hungry stomachs lor. Ended at round 12.30am, by when most of the juniors are already MIA (guess everyone had advanced info on the cleaning up duties ^^"). Me, Hui Lin and Ben sneaked out right before they start cleaning up =P. But we wouldn't have escaped if not for our OO, Joanne, who gave us all-clear signals all the way out haha. Thank you Joanne!

The end..
And thus our orientation days ended. All the laughter, all the sweat, all the cheering, all the shouting till we had no voice. Nothing beats surviving orientation with you guys around. Rahel, Debbie, Hui Lin, Ben, Mustaq, Tze Ling, CK, Kher Dee, Vivian (Jia Yee), Najihah and Selv. You guys ROX! =).

And of course, without whom we all wouldn't have survived a minute during orientation. Our dear OOs, who guided us, advised us, cheered with us, got ragged with us, stayed by us the whole orientation. Joanne, Xinli, Chee Kun, Chee Keong and most of all, Johan Siow. Never in my dreams i could've wished for better OOs. I'd like to thank Johan, for everything he did for us, taking time off to look after us, and especially for staying by my side while i'm waiting to go on stage as Sleeping Beauty (i have stage fright, but having you there encouraging me just kept it at bay). When a senior asked us to shout "We love Johan!" on the rooftop for his signature, i'll say, we've never once doubt it ;). Thanks for being our OO! Hope you don't rag us so bad when we become OO next semester ya =P.

PS - yeah, we're going to pass down the tradition of bathing using the fire hose to our juniors haha =P

Shit, are you ready?
Ever ready!
ARE YOU READY??
EVER READY!!
Who are who are who are we?
We are we are we are SHIT!
Who are we?
WE are SHIT!
Who are we??
We are SHIT!!
OHH..SHIT!!

Group SHIT, it's nice getting thru all those shit with ya =P.

-4.21pm, 5 September 2005-