Give me a break. Leave me alone.

Someone said my latest post is so depressing it sounded like a suicide note. And he suggested an idea to make it less depressing. Spot the difference. Lol.

You know.. sometimes you get so tired you just wished you can let everything go and run away to somewhere where nobody knows you and you have nothing to care about ^^

I'm feeling that way now. I don't know if it's the stress getting to me with less than 2 weeks to exams, maybe coz i've YET to study =P. Not that i didn't try.. i just.. can't =)

All i wanna do now is run ^^. Away from studies, away from friends, away from life. To where, it doesn't really matter, does it? Sigh. Yeah, it's getting to me =D. I'm breaking down with all this stress. Or maybe another reason altogether, i really can't say. Maybe there's a reason that's stressing me out, not studies.

I'm just... tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally, everything. I'm tired of everything ;)

Which is why i wanna ask you all a favor. Leave me alone =D. For the days up to our In-Course Assessment on 7th July, don't talk to me. If you see me on MSN, don't chat with me. Don't ask me out on movies, sports, mamak, anything ^^. I need a break. From everything. Thanks =)

Please don't talk to me bout this, i'm tired, that's all. Would be great if you guys just let me be with myself. I'll really appreciate it.

On a lighter note, it was Yeap's birthday yesterday, and a third of our batch was at the party at Chandeller. Nice atmosphere, nice food, nice company, and of course, the uber-nice birthday boy Chii Yeat. Happy 21st birthday!

Edit (29.6.06) - Uh, guys.. don't take this so seriously la lol. I'm not in depression, or suicidal, or on the verge of acquiring a gun and open fire in front of IMU or sth. Haha.. yes, i'm still sane -.-"

Still, thanks for all the concern though.. i'm perfectly all right, don't worry. It's just what i'm feeling really really deep down inside i guess.. and i wouldn't have posted this on my public blog if i knew it's gonna cause such big effect =/

ps - Jackie, uh thanks for the hug lol.

is it just me?

And so i woke up. Again.

I know this isn't the first time since i came into IMU. Though i don't remember experiencing this before coming here.

It's 4.30am, barely 3 hours since i slept. And i woke up with palpitations. Lol. Which means sudden awareness of my heart beat la. And when i tried to sleep, i just can't. Because my heart is beating too hard or too fast, i'm not sure. At least, it seems to beat too hard or too fast to me. Hmm.. juz took my pulse rate. 74 bpm. Normal.

I can't recall the last time this happened.. i think it's few months ago already. Wonder if i should be concerned bout this =/. I mean, healthy people don't wake up in the middle of the night because they're aware of their heartbeats.. am i having some unnoticed heart disease?

Lol. It doesn't really help when we're studying CVS right now. All those lectures and PBLs on congenital heart defects, those rheumatic heart disease, hypertension, arrhythmias... damn. At this rate i'm gonna become a hyperchondriac.

Then again, me being me, i'll probably forget bout this and fall asleep soon after i posted this entry. Life is too short, indeed, to be spent worrying. I just hope mine isn't too short to be spent living.

- disconnected -

Finally got back my internet connection yesterday. It's been more than a week.. since last Wednesday to be precise. Being disconnected taught me a few things tho..

1. my blog is dead. No it's not me who's lazy to update.. it's the lack of internet connection =P
2. i spent too much time online. As in hazardously too much time online. No, i'm not addicted. Nuh-uh. Definitely not. No addiction whatsoever =P
3. internet is the main culprit that caused me to sleep late everyday. The past week i've been waking up early.. so early i need to check two clocks twice every morning to make sure i'm not still stuck in my dreams..
4. i can actually survive for a week without internet! Ok, not really.. i've been having withdrawal symptoms since last Wednesday morning >.<
5. internet has become an essential part of life. I can't even sleep knowing i'm disconnected. Oh wait.. i slept even more without internet =/
6. i spent too much time online. Oh i said that.

Haha.. seriously, i think i'm so used to being connected 24/7 now that it felt so strange when i lost my internet connection. It's like being unplugged from the world and become stuck in this small small corner of the world. I can't chat with my faraway friends. I can't read my friends' blogs. I can't update myself on the latest news (ok, i'm juz too lazy to read the newspapers in the library =P). I can't get instant World Cup results (k, too lazy to watch the matches too.. but hey, i got clinic visit and CSU this week.. i have the right to be lazy this week =P). I have to actually WALK to the next room to talk to Keat How. Lol.

But everything's fine now. I have my connection to the outside world back. And i can chat with Keat How without having to walk a step now. I'm getting too lazy, ain't i? =P

Btw our Summatives 2 results were out today.. didn't really get what i thought i'd get easily. Not that i'm very confident i can get it.. now that i think of it, i didn't study hard at all. Sigh. Have been losing focus these days.. 3 more weeks to CVS paper.. need to buck up now. And i still haven't even look at the past 2 weeks' lectures >.<. Somehow, i know i'm soo gonna die 3 weeks later. Better dig my grave early, huh? ^^"

ungrateful me ..

My parents and brother went back to Senai yesterday. They came up on Friday morning and brought me to the bank to open an account. Then while i'm at uni, my mom cleaned my whole apartment and my dad repaired the leaking toilet. On Saturday i went to Low Yat with my dad and bro to buy the power adapter for my router which burned out a few days ago, a stack of DVD-Rs, and a new 200GB hard drive coz the 40GB in this com is almost full. On Sunday, they left for home.

And this is where i don't get myself. I know i should be happy my family came up, even just for a few days. Instead, i have this gloomy feeling over me the whole weekend. Because i couldn't get my 200GB hard drive to work. And because my internet connection still wasn't fixed, even though the router is working now. Which totally spoiled my mood for the weekend. Coz i was hoping that once my parents came, everything will work out perfectly. And everything didn't turn out perfectly the way i hoped.

And it's only the day after they went back that i realised it. I let such small things blind me from seeing what i should've seen. My parents took a day off, travelled more than 300km to fix everything that needed to be fixed in my apartment. Yeah.. all my life, the only thing i hate bout myself is this. Taking things for granted.

But then, don't we all..

purpose ..

Juz sat for the Summatives 2 of Foundation 2 yesterday. More than a month of lectures, weeks of revision, for a slightly more than one hour paper. And everything, all the days i have to confine myself to my room, all the hours i had to spend staring at my lecture notes, ended with the paper. At least, weren't they supposed to?

24 hours on after the exams, and i finally felt the pressure of being a medical student. Not that i'm stressed, just that .. the end seems so far. Almost 10 months, and all we've covered are the foundation. Basics. Noobs knowledge. Foundation 2 ended as of yesterday, and right on after that we'll begin our system courses. No rest, no break. And they say we are having it easier than our seniors. Sigh.

Sometimes i do wonder if i can ever stand all this. All this endless lectures.. all this continuous studying .. all this non-stop learning. Sometimes i needed a break so much i felt like skipping the lectures.. the PBLs.. whatever i can skip. Everytime i look for an end to all this, i see nothing. The finishing line is so far beyond the horizon, i just felt like collapsing on the spot and let everything pass me by. Wasn't this the path i chose? Didn't i say i want to become a doctor?

.. become a doctor. I wonder if i really did want to become a doctor. Guess this doubts in me will never cease. Life as a doctor seems so .. noble. So highly regarded by society. So envied by those who didn't have the chance to be one. Yet, being noble is nowhere near my goals in life. I don't want fame, i don't want a reputation either. I don't like having attention on me. If i were to treat a patient anonymously, i'd gladly do so. With a smile.

There comes a time when we look for our purpose in life, right? Some found it in their work, some in their religion, some in their loved ones. For me, 20 years walking on this earth still got me wondering why am I here. I don't meant that in a religious manner.. just that, we need a reason to live, don't we? Something we live for, something we wake up everyday knowing we're still here for. Guess that's why all of a sudden i got this interest in everything. Yeah, everything.

Like, teaching. Patrick made an announcement bout some volunteer teaching at some orphanage. Again, i had that feeling. That feeling of really really wanting to sign up for it. I don't know why. Maybe i just want to try out something new. Maybe i wanted to volunteer, to contribute to society. Maybe i'm looking for it. My purpose.

Anyway, from today onwards, life will be really busy for me now. Weekdays, gonna have clinic visits and CSU sessions in the morning, lectures in the afternoon, and ECA activities in the evening. And still i signed up to have my Saturdays spent teaching. Haha.. i whine bout how busy i am and yet i keep getting myself busier. Sometimes it's so hard to understand myself. *shrug*