if only life is like a cassette.. and you could rewind and live it all over again

I wonder. Do you suddenly realise you've grown up or are we always growing up?

--

Had a stiff back last Saturday. Stiff lower back to be exact. If i bend for too long, like sitting on a chair, i would have problem straightening my back afterwards. It hurts if i straighten too fast. Which made me end up bongkok (like i have kyphosis of my spine -.-) for like 15 seconds everytime i get my butt off the chair.

Shin Yin said i'm getting old. Haha. None truer words.

Getting better now. Though still a little stiff. Hope nothing serious bout it. You know, being a medical student made you think up of all the possibilities you might have everytime some part of your body goes wrong. For a second i feared i had vertebral collapse (Pott's disease, anyone?) -.-

I do feel old. Everytime i see someone's birth year starting with 199x, i get reminded of the fact that i'm not that young anymore. A one-nine-nine-zero baby would be sitting his/her SPM right now. That's someone 4 years younger than me and he/she is almost done with secondary school.

Not too long ago, a 1990 baby is still a kid who can't wait to catch his/her favourite show on Saturday.
Now, a 1990 baby is already looking forward to his/her date on Saturday.

I miss being young. I miss being so innocent and so carefree. Sigh.

--

A lecturer talked to us last week bout rehabilitation. Then somewhere along, he mentioned that only a family member would have the patience to feed someone who's unable to feed themselves. A nurse/caregiver would probably be shoving spoonful of food into his mouth before he even chew the previous spoonful. Haha not dissing, just an example. Then again, not the nurse/caregiver's fault, as he went on, they're not only caring for that one patient and they don't have all the time in the world.

Reminds me of the time i was small. Grandma would sit next to me, feeding me spoonful after spoonful of dinner. While i was playing some console game, playing computer, running around outside, cycling around outside, or something.

And when she tried to urge me to eat the next spoonful while i was still chewing, i would get irritated (because that interferes with my intense concentration on playing some game). So childish. Haha.

--

Just a while ago i heard crackling sounds in my left ear (which is a wee little bit deaf to high-pitched sounds), and i stuffed my finger into it, hoping what was causing the sounds would cease.

Don't ask me why, i got reminded of the times my Mom used to ask me to lie on her lap, and clean my ear with a cottonbutt. I was too small to use a cottonbutt myself then. I miss that. Haha.

--

And it went on. I got reminded of the times Dad would bring me and my brothers to Holiday Plaza to stock up on our pile of pirated computer games. It has always been a 'big' event for us, coz fun in life was all bout video games at that time -.-. Haha. And when we couldn't find any games that our computer could support, we would rant and complain to him. Ungrateful kids :P.

--

Sigh.

Being grown-up sucks. Not that i could say that since i'm not even working and paying for my own yet (and i'm in denial. i'm not grown up yet! :P).

But somewhere along the journey in life, i lost that carefree-ness and easily-impressed-ness of being a child.

Life became.. different.

Finding 'treasures' in the backyard doesn't seem fun anymore.
Chasing stray chickens around isn't filled with adrenaline.
Instead of wanting more computer games, now i just want more time to rest.
I used to wish time would speed up so i could watch the weekend cartoons, now i wished time would slow down and let me catch my breath.

I guess i did grew up.

--

On a childish note, i'm SO going to get this!

Rock Guitar II [+/- click here].

And another for my brother! It's a PS2 guitar controller. To jam along in Guitar Hero on PS2.

Haha yes! I'm still a boy (inside at least) after all! :P

--

And on a grave note, i'm so so so behind schedule. Sigh.

now, where's the panic button?

The REAL muggin' starts now.

CVS, Respi, Haemato, GI, Endo, Repro, Renal, MSK, CNS. 9 systems.

Over 300 lecture notes, from over 300 lectures spread out over 18 months.

7 weeks and counting down.

Now would be a good time to panic =)

--

Frankly speaking, it is nothing less than daunting to me. If i were to stack up all the notes that i am supposed to have gone thru (and have the knowledge within in my head) by the end of this year, it could reach above my knees. Yeah.

And thru some really great planning by the higher powers, we would spent the rest of this year with our eyes glued to our lecture notes. Our final exams, EoS5 will be held from 31st December 2007 to 4th January 2008. I could already see the Christmas and New Year spirit gasping their last breath. Gotta love the schedule.

Good thing is, i've worked out my plan over the next 7 weeks.

Bad thing is, that's not gonna make mugging any easier.

Now if you will, excuse me while i lock myself up in my room and bang my head on the wall repeatedly pondering on the futility and helplessness of this whole situation.

Uh, i mean in my room studying. Sobs. Good bye, outside world!

you've got matched!

Finally, all we've studied so hard for the last 2 years has come.

The matching results were out last Thursday. Some were obviously happy with their matching, with shouts of joy. Some were okay with it, and just smiled silently. Some were quiet, and left without more than a word.

It kinds of taken me by surprise when i got the SMS from Rasyidah bout our matching results coming out that day. I wasn't ready for it, i didn't expect it. I didn't even know what to expect out of it, seriously.

My first choice was University of Adelaide, the only reason because it's the cheapest. Dad had really wanted me to try to get there after i couldn't transfer to Seremban or get into BMed Sc. Second was University of Dalhousie, which conversely, is where Shin Yin's going to, and where i had hoped (and thought) i would get. Third came University of Dundee, being the second cheapest in terms of total cost.

Everyone who heard of my choices will look surprised that i chose 3 different continents for my first 3 choices. Haha, the reason is i don't mind going to any country or uni actually, as long as my family could afford it and i could study there =).

I went, i queued, i received an envelope. Had wanted to open it slowly at home, but heck with it, i opened after i got it. And written on that piece of paper inside is where i'll spend the next 2 years of my life.

University of Dundee

Elated? Nope. Disappointed? Not that much. Just that i had thought i was going to get Dalhousie, planned to graduate there and take USMLE to try to get into US, hopefully. Now that i realise i'm heading towards a different continent altogether, the future i envisioned kind of get blurred. Where would i go after graduating from Dundee? Could i stay there and work or do i have to come back to Malaysia?

I guess i would worry bout that and re-plan my steps later. At least i got Dundee, which Dad was okay with since the fee's rather cheap. I'm only afraid of the living cost there with £1 = RM7. Damn, what am i gonna eat there? >.<

A little less bout me, most of the others are okay with their matching, though a select few somehow got lower than their 5th choice. Do hope if they want to appeal they would get a uni they'll prefer. But all in all, i'll say what others had said, it does not really matter which uni we get, as long as we work hard we'll still graduate as doctors =).

--

Matching aside, yesterday we went to Italiannes, The Gardens for surprise birthday dinner of a great guy, with whom i've braved thru the hells of orientation with. 'Sharon Stone' aka Benjamin Ng Wei Liang. Lol. Yesh, i think only you saw my 'Marilyn Monroe' act lol. Stressfully funny times.. here's to you Ben, may your journey to Edinburgh and beyond be a smooth one =). Happy 22nd birthday Ben!

--

ps - just to keep a note here of who's going where [+/- click here].

PMS 'family' members
Timothy - Adelaide, Australia
Chia Huan - Melbourne, Australia
Jeremy Nunis - Tasmania, Australia
Chui Han - Western Australia, Australia
Tze Chow - Otago, New Zealand
Mustaqim - Calgary, Canada
Jackie Liew - Aberdeen, UK
Benjamin Ng - Edinburgh, UK
Chee Mei - Edinburgh, UK
Ivy Ang - Edinburgh, UK
Prasad - Edinburgh, UK
Yew Wen - Glasgow, UK
Huilin - Liverpool, UK
Kee Fong - Manchester, UK
Jane June - Manchester, UK

Seremban 'family' members
Paul Kong
Wei Loong
Winnie Chong
Yih Seong

Fellow Dundee-ians
Hui Suan
Hwee Hong
Wai Kean
Zameer

pps - i tried to put up a list for all our PMS-bound batchmates on our batch blog. Do help fill it up =)

--

Today is also the 15th month anniversary of something really important to me =)

so sick of being sick

This is the third time i've fallen sick. In a month. Considering that i'm sick for about 4,5 days each time, that means for half of the past month, my body had been invaded, battered and turned inside out by evil germs. It's no fun.

Had always thought of myself as rather healthy, rarely falling sick the past couple of years, albeit bitten by the bug once or twice in a few months. Which is why, most of the time when i DID fall sick, i would refuse to see a doctor. Just let the illness take its natural course and i'll be well in no time. What could a cold or flu or fever possibly do to me? Heh typical egoistical guy who thinks he can take every illness down by sheer willpower alone. It is statistically proven that men will only go to hospital when their illness has gotten severe. So.. blame my genes =P.

Anyway, 'sides from busy getting sick, i've been busy with other stuff lately as well since the last post. Of course, IMU Cup was over and done with, we won gold for Cheerleading and thus, won IMU Cup. Rather old news, and the ecstasy had already been dampened by the killer lectures of CNS anyway.

Not long after that was our week-long Raya holidays. Family came up during the weekend. Wanted to stay behind actually but Dad asked me to go back to see grandma. So i ended up back in Senai for a couple of days, before rushing back to KL to make my passport and hand in my Letter of Good Conduct forms. It was so short that i didn't feel like i've even been home. Then again, coming back to KL felt more like coming back home to me. I think i'm spending too much of my time here. Shucks.

Think it's getting too long. Or i'm getting too lazy. Haha. Shall postpone till next time, whenever that is. Laterz.

ps - Btw everyone, stop reading blogs and go practise CSU! Mock OSCE in 2 weeks still waste time online. Tak takut fail OSCE ke? Shoo go study!

short update

Dead blog.

Seriously, it's not that i didn't have free time to blog. I could afford to sleep 12 hours a day. It's not that i didn't want to blog. I have millions of things to write down. It's just that i don't feel like blogging anymore.

Haha but it's not just me.. from the long list of blog links on the left, 9 out of 10 hasn't been updated for more than a month. Maybe people do have better things to do than blog nowadays. Heh.

Anyway, update on the past months, just to keep my blog up-to-date for myself to look back maybe 10 years down the road. Wonder where i'll be by then hehe. Hey, me 10 years later. If you're living comfortably with a decent wage, you better remember what hell me right now is going thru and be grateful. Or envious. Haha. My thoughts are so incoherent now. Back to topic.

Selectives. 4 weeks of 'History of Medicine'. Besides getting to work with another cliche in my batch, nothing else bout it is even worth mentioning. Damn free days, damn boring classes, damn screwed up exam, a damn big waste of 4 weeks of my life. 'nuff said.

Pulau Perhentian 'family' trip. Was short but it was really great fun. Especially snorkelling and kayaking till we are roasted. Wait, that's all we did. Haha. Anyway thanks Chia Huan for going to all the trouble to organise =).

Musculoskeletal System, second last system. In-Course Assessment was last Friday. A little screwed up i guess. Thought i could remember the anatomy. Ended up doubting myself so much i changed my 'right' answers to the wrong ones. Sigh. Ah well.

IMU Cup 2007. Ending in 2 days. Tuesday will be the closing ceremony and last event, cheerleading. The only event i joined. I know i'll regret not joining anything else, but then again, i'm not good in any sports haha. More on cheerleading next time.

--

Almost the end of September now. Soon we gotta hand in our choice of PMS. Soon we gotta sit for our finals. Soon we'll be out of IMU. Soon life will take a big change.

Being very sentimental, maybe that's why i never liked changes. I try to keep memory of everything, never wanting to forget something, or someone. I've always wished life would be the same, day after day. Yet change has this habit of slowly creeping up on you, and when you did realise, it is already here to stay.

Shucks.

don't go away, we'll return right after these messages ..

Blog on hiatus till the big big whirlwind of activities are over. Probably in a few more weeks' time. Or longer.

To be updated:-
Selectives
Pulau Perhentian 'family' trip
Sem 5 MSK
Hating Nasioncom
IMU Cup
Charity Run and Carnival
PMS Matching

a look on life (part II)

... continued from previous post

--

Much like how my life has changed, and everyone around me. I woke up at 6am, and the first thought that ran thru my mind was how my parents had aged. They had been working their *** off ever since us 3 brothers were born. Probably even before. Just for a hope for a better education for us.

If not for Lee Foundation, i would not even be studying medicine. Typical chinese family, studying medicine seems like the greatest achievement a chinese can get. Haha. I guess we did made our grandma really proud for me and my brother to be on our way to become doctors. I still remember how she smiles each time i told her i got an A in an exams. That was the greatest reward for me each time.

How time has aged my grandma. I remember she was a rather plump woman years before when us 3 were still small. Now each time i got back, she seems to have lost more weight. She always say she didn't have appetite to eat much. Maybe it's because of her diabetes as well. The last time i was back, she had to sent her urine to check for microalbuminuria. Once it appears in the urine, it's a sign that the kidneys are beginning to fail. There is no 'cure', only delaying the inevitable kidney failure 5,10 years down the road. I didn't ask how the results was. I don't know if i really want to know.

Her eyesight wasn't getting better. Diabetic retinopathy. She's losing sensation in her feet. Diabetice neuropathy. She hasn't eaten anything even remotely sweet in years. Imagine eating bland food, drinks without sugar for the rest of your life. Occasionally she would get a sip of some soft drink, or just something sweet like a bite of ice cream. That's the only sweetness her tastebuds can taste. I know i shouldn't be letting her, but i can't bear to stop her.

Last time we were hyperactive kids running around outside the house and she would always chase us with a spoon of our dinner. Haha. Grandma had been the one taking care of us 3 brothers all the time while our parents went to work. Now, it is time for us to take care of her.

How time has aged my parents. From my first day in primary school, till now. They have always been there. The proudest moment i remember was in Standard 4, when i made a clean sweep of most of the trophies given for academic excellence. More than 10 i guess. Jeng Khay told me i beat him by just one trophy. Haha. They are all displayed on a big cabinet facing our house's front door. Typical chinese family. Haha.

Now years on, my parents were showing signs of the times. Wrinkles had started to show on their faces. My mum used to pluck her white hair, and everytime i would be eager to help her. That was like 5,6 years ago. She has since stopped plucking her white hair. There's just more and more of them. She's just dyeing her hair black every once in a while now.

Dad's hair is thinning. The last time i had my haircut at our ol' faithful barber, he told me my hair is just like my dad's, thinner on the crown, and when i get old my hair will bald like his. It was a shock to me, to know some day i will be bald. But then i realised, my dad's already there.

How time has grown me and my brothers up. We used to be kids playing Lego and Lasy together, roleplaying our numerous soft toys, fighting over who should play the computer. Ah the days of innocence. We are all grown up now, the youngest celebrating his 18th birthday in 3 months time.

Us 3 brothers have been separated from each other for a few years now, since i left home to study in college. The only way we communicate now is thru MSN. And i've been playing an online game with my younger bro these days. Guess that's the only way to bridge the distance.

As i woke up today, my mind was replaying the scene when my older brother crossed the checkpoint and left on his plane to Melbourne. I remember me, my younger brother, parents, and our relatives sending him off. As we lost sight of him past the checkpoint, we went to the viewing gallery and watch as his tram took him to the departure area.

Next year, my brother would have graduated. Then it will be my turn to be on the plane. In my mind i saw myself, carrying a big backpack, luggage in stow, walking towards the departure gate. I felt sad.

How time has made the distance between friends grow. What used to be close friends in primary, secondary school, now are just acquaintances. A few who are still close by stayed in contact, but those faraway were less and less heard. All of us are busy with our own things, and we gotta move on with our lives. Make new friends, lose old ones. Except i don't believe we really lose our friends. The only thing we lost is contact, but our friends are always there.

Soon, one of my closest friends, Wy Keat will be leaving for Edinburgh. He's already survived IMU Bukit Jalil, that lucky bastard. Haha. He's the guy who brought me beer on my 20th birthday. Made me drink and got my face red and everyone was laughing at me at my surprise party. Haha. I got another can of beer he gave in my fridge still. Though we don't really see each other much even in the same uni, soon i won't even get to see him for years. Man. Next year i won't even be seeing most of my friends in uni now. Sigh.

Some day before exams i got a nudge on MSN from someone i hadn't expected. Well, it was 5am in the morning. Haha. Both of us still hasn't slept yet, he finishing up his assignment, me studying at the last minute. The first time we ever chatted with each other since we left EC. He said i looked different. I'll say he looked the same. Haha. Seems like he's getting himself really busy with uni and other stuff. I guess everyone is =).

Funny that he would nudge me at that time, maybe coz i was the only one awake besides him lol. Still, it's really nice to hear from him again. He lightened up my gloomy studying hours. Benjamin Yap Jake Eu. You still got my name wrong. Haha =P.

Ah and Wy Keat.. i still owe you Food Ave's Oreo Milkshake. ^^"