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Tuesday, 22 January 2008

disorganised thoughts

You asked me why i sighed.

I told you it's because i had to clean up the apartment.

I meant it's because i had to clean up the apartment where i lived in for the past 2.5 years.


I'm back in Vista Komanwel, Bukit Jalil now. Came up with my parents to send my brother off to Melbourne. He said this time he bought a one-way ticket. It just add to the morbid feeling that's been tugging at me ever since. He doesn't know when he'll come back again.

As we were about to leave Senai, my grandma stood outside waving goodbye to us. Then she waved goodbye to my brother.

And i saw it.

The sadness in her eyes. The smile on her face that hid her sorrow.

I wanted to cry.


Most of the stuff in my apartment had already been moved out, the only things left are furniture waiting to be picked up by my cousin-in-law. I had to throw out most of the stuff. Bits and pieces i accumulated over the past 2.5 years. Bits and pieces of my memories here. The nostalgic me tried to save all i could, but the rational me knew there's no point in holding on to the past.

Orientation booklets, an invitation from Denise to her church's Christmas celebration, the ticket to 8TV's Summer Live Concert i went with Chuihan, ang pows i collected from lion-dancing, name tag from Mount Kinabalu's climb, wushu-ninjutsu lanyards, Rahel's old blouse (don't ask!), just to name a few.

Each and every piece held a memory i had, memories i never want to lose. 5 years on, would i still remember what i did in IMU? 10 years on, would i still remember the faces of these guys and girls so dear to me?

I always found comfort in familiarity. That's why i'm not looking forward to what's coming. Or has already came.


Timothy left. Chui Han left. Chow left. Jeremy and Chia Huan leaving next on 9th Feb. One by one leaving Malaysia. It's like watching the water in the well drying up. Slowly, but there's nothing you can do to stop it.

I hate this feeling.


It's great to see one of my housemates one more time, the crazy one haha. Being in a half-empty apartment with everything packed up can be very depressing, if not for Mustaqim around doing silly things and making lame jokes. At least it did made me smile :).


I have absolutely no idea what my next step will be after handing back the apartment to the agent. Would like to stay and find a job of course, but family definitely want me back for chinese new year. But after chinese new year i guess it'll be harder to find work to do. I'm just so undecided.

And then there's the issue of preparation to go to Dundee. IELTS, visas, accommodation, offer letter, it's enough to wreck this sloth's head. I'm so lazy to plan and settle everything. Sigh.

I would trade this freedom and independence if i could just have another chance to relive the past 2.5 years in IMU.

I miss everyone.

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