It's six in the morning. I've been awake for hours now. Couldn't have been jetlag, it's been 4 days since I got back to Dundee. Going to sleep at 4pm yesterday might have played a part. Maybe.
It wasn't a spontaneous decision that I went home for Chinese New Year. Can't even remember the last time I did, think this was the first since I came to Scotland. I'd thought it's just proper that I spend some time home instead of here in this foreign land all the time. I miss all the celebrations too, all the cookies, the cheery bustling atmosphere during the new year. Oh, and heat, I'm a tropical creature, I needed heat to survive (i had my heating so high that someone even told me it was tropical in my flat hahaa).
Yet, admittedly, it wasn't all I expected it to be. Sure my family and extended relatives all came around, but there was something missing.
Perhaps it's the lack of new year decorations (Dad told Mum not to bother). The missing new year songs during our car ride (that have been repeated so often we could remember every word to them)? Or that we didn't stop by Dad's friend's place in Pagoh on our way to Klang. Notably a few members of the family could not make it to the reunion dinners either. Was it the missing anticipation and excitement of receiving ang pows, now that I'm an adult earning my own pay? Or maybe because we didn't go to each other's house to '拜年' anymore like we used to.
I don't know. It just doesn't feel the same now. It felt more like an obligation to celebrate it, than something I used to look forward to. Is this just all part of growing up?
The 8+2+8 hours back to Dundee was depressing, to say the least (delayed for an extra 2 hours in Dubai, no less). All throughout the flights and train journey, I found myself sitting there staring out the window. Watching the world pass me by. There was that tinge of sadness deep inside, that no matter how much I want to deny its existence, it bothered me. Was that homesickness?
A few of the strangers around must have noticed me staring out like that, because I caught them looking at me worriedly out of the corner of my eyes. I quickly closed my eyes and tried to have a nap, was really tired anyway.
Reaching my flat in Dundee and seeing it exactly the same as I had left it, I didn't really get that sense of 'coming home'. This wasn't home, it is just a temporary lodging to me. I wanted a place all to myself because I had wanted to feel like being 'home', a place of my own, but somehow I have now realised this is not it.
Should I just remain here for the years to come, or should I return back to Malaysia? Or perhaps Singapore, or Australia?
This is going to be playing in my mind for the next year, but I absolutely hate big decisions like these and will undoubtedly procrastinate and procrastinate before choosing the easiest way out in the end. Which is (almost certainly) staying here.
I just need to get used to the cold I guess. Brr.
PS - oh and it's Valentine's Day and I'm turning 25 soon. Quarter-life crisis? Anyways happy Valentine's Day!
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