a little prayer, a little hope

The first day i stepped into IMU, it was for the entrance interview into the university.

After registering myself, I sat down on the bench with a couple of other hopefuls. Soon i was called in next, and were faced by two of IMU's lecturers. Only remembered one of them, Ms Reiko Yap, a behavioural science lecturer.

Halfway through the usual questions, came this.

"Which field do you intend to specialise in in the future and why?"

To which i answered, almost by rote.

"After i graduate, i'd like to go further into opthalmology. This is because i had seen for myself what it's like to be blind, all the difficulties faced to not be able to see, the things in life they missed just because they are visually impaired. And because personally, i knew of a blind friend, and many times i wished i could help in some way. If i could just help restore others' eyesight and prevent blindness, that'd be the gift i'd willingly spend my whole life giving. Nobody should be robbed of their sight, much more by something preventable."

It remained my specialty of choice for the first year, until we were taught to use the ophthalmoscope. The best friend of an opthalmologist and something, i realised, i have trouble with. You see, an ophthalmoscope is a device that lets the doctor 'see' into a patient's eye. And you use one eye to look through the ophthalmoscope, into one of the patient's eye.

The problem is, i am a 'self-diagnosed' amblyopia sufferer. Otherwise known as 'lazy eye'. My right eye's sight is dimmer due to lack of use during my childhood, when i had congenital ptosis on my right eye. In essence, i can't use my right eye to look through any devices clearly.

And because of that, i gave up on the idea of being an opthalmologist.

--

An hour ago, a message from my big brother.

"Ah Poh got partially blind."

..

I cried.

What use is all this studying all the while, if i can't even use any of it to help my grandma?

I felt useless.

When she needs support the most, i am furthest away from her.

..

First thing i'd do after i settled my stuff here, i'll go back for her.

..

So i say a little prayer, and wished a little hope.

--

Please do not take her sight away, not before us 3 brothers achieved what she dreamed of us to achieve..

.. her whole lifetime of hard work ..

.. please give her this one privilege in life ..

.. i just want to see her looking at us ..

.. with pride in her eyes.

This, i pray.. please.

a look on life (part II)

... continued from previous post

--

Much like how my life has changed, and everyone around me. I woke up at 6am, and the first thought that ran thru my mind was how my parents had aged. They had been working their *** off ever since us 3 brothers were born. Probably even before. Just for a hope for a better education for us.

If not for Lee Foundation, i would not even be studying medicine. Typical chinese family, studying medicine seems like the greatest achievement a chinese can get. Haha. I guess we did made our grandma really proud for me and my brother to be on our way to become doctors. I still remember how she smiles each time i told her i got an A in an exams. That was the greatest reward for me each time.

How time has aged my grandma. I remember she was a rather plump woman years before when us 3 were still small. Now each time i got back, she seems to have lost more weight. She always say she didn't have appetite to eat much. Maybe it's because of her diabetes as well. The last time i was back, she had to sent her urine to check for microalbuminuria. Once it appears in the urine, it's a sign that the kidneys are beginning to fail. There is no 'cure', only delaying the inevitable kidney failure 5,10 years down the road. I didn't ask how the results was. I don't know if i really want to know.

Her eyesight wasn't getting better. Diabetic retinopathy. She's losing sensation in her feet. Diabetice neuropathy. She hasn't eaten anything even remotely sweet in years. Imagine eating bland food, drinks without sugar for the rest of your life. Occasionally she would get a sip of some soft drink, or just something sweet like a bite of ice cream. That's the only sweetness her tastebuds can taste. I know i shouldn't be letting her, but i can't bear to stop her.

Last time we were hyperactive kids running around outside the house and she would always chase us with a spoon of our dinner. Haha. Grandma had been the one taking care of us 3 brothers all the time while our parents went to work. Now, it is time for us to take care of her.

How time has aged my parents. From my first day in primary school, till now. They have always been there. The proudest moment i remember was in Standard 4, when i made a clean sweep of most of the trophies given for academic excellence. More than 10 i guess. Jeng Khay told me i beat him by just one trophy. Haha. They are all displayed on a big cabinet facing our house's front door. Typical chinese family. Haha.

Now years on, my parents were showing signs of the times. Wrinkles had started to show on their faces. My mum used to pluck her white hair, and everytime i would be eager to help her. That was like 5,6 years ago. She has since stopped plucking her white hair. There's just more and more of them. She's just dyeing her hair black every once in a while now.

Dad's hair is thinning. The last time i had my haircut at our ol' faithful barber, he told me my hair is just like my dad's, thinner on the crown, and when i get old my hair will bald like his. It was a shock to me, to know some day i will be bald. But then i realised, my dad's already there.

How time has grown me and my brothers up. We used to be kids playing Lego and Lasy together, roleplaying our numerous soft toys, fighting over who should play the computer. Ah the days of innocence. We are all grown up now, the youngest celebrating his 18th birthday in 3 months time.

Us 3 brothers have been separated from each other for a few years now, since i left home to study in college. The only way we communicate now is thru MSN. And i've been playing an online game with my younger bro these days. Guess that's the only way to bridge the distance.

As i woke up today, my mind was replaying the scene when my older brother crossed the checkpoint and left on his plane to Melbourne. I remember me, my younger brother, parents, and our relatives sending him off. As we lost sight of him past the checkpoint, we went to the viewing gallery and watch as his tram took him to the departure area.

Next year, my brother would have graduated. Then it will be my turn to be on the plane. In my mind i saw myself, carrying a big backpack, luggage in stow, walking towards the departure gate. I felt sad.

How time has made the distance between friends grow. What used to be close friends in primary, secondary school, now are just acquaintances. A few who are still close by stayed in contact, but those faraway were less and less heard. All of us are busy with our own things, and we gotta move on with our lives. Make new friends, lose old ones. Except i don't believe we really lose our friends. The only thing we lost is contact, but our friends are always there.

Soon, one of my closest friends, Wy Keat will be leaving for Edinburgh. He's already survived IMU Bukit Jalil, that lucky bastard. Haha. He's the guy who brought me beer on my 20th birthday. Made me drink and got my face red and everyone was laughing at me at my surprise party. Haha. I got another can of beer he gave in my fridge still. Though we don't really see each other much even in the same uni, soon i won't even get to see him for years. Man. Next year i won't even be seeing most of my friends in uni now. Sigh.

Some day before exams i got a nudge on MSN from someone i hadn't expected. Well, it was 5am in the morning. Haha. Both of us still hasn't slept yet, he finishing up his assignment, me studying at the last minute. The first time we ever chatted with each other since we left EC. He said i looked different. I'll say he looked the same. Haha. Seems like he's getting himself really busy with uni and other stuff. I guess everyone is =).

Funny that he would nudge me at that time, maybe coz i was the only one awake besides him lol. Still, it's really nice to hear from him again. He lightened up my gloomy studying hours. Benjamin Yap Jake Eu. You still got my name wrong. Haha =P.

Ah and Wy Keat.. i still owe you Food Ave's Oreo Milkshake. ^^"

thoughts

It's almost 4.30am now.

Silence. Except for the whirring of the fans in my computer's CPU. The ticking of the clock on the wall. And creaking sounds in the next room. Keat How hasn't sleep yet? Hm.

A lecture note lies on my computer table while i'm typing this. Been a while since i last blogged anything i really wanted to blog about. Been a while since i even have the time to think.

Reproductive system ICA next Friday. 7, 8 weeks since Semester 4 started. I wonder where has all the time gone.

Things change. People change. Situations change. Life changes.

My younger brother has finally grown up.

My dad just started his hypertension medications.

Everyday, we kept things secret from each other. Don't ask, don't tell?

Detached.

Many thoughts on my mind. Yet no time, no time to put them down.

It's June now. A little more than half a year left to go. Feels so short, yet the destination is nowhere near.

Stress? I hvn't seen it since EoS3.

Seriously, stress would be a nice change to keep my mind occupied instead.

homebound

Home again. After more than 2 months i suppose. Feels far longer than that. People would have been surprised to know i didn't come home because i was homesick. More like because i wanna see my parents and grandma. Felt like wanting to see them again.

Much had happened since the last post. For one, i am officially an adult. Yay. But none of me felt 21. Yeah, i'm pretty much in denial haha. Age is just a state of mind =P. Kena 'orientated' in IMU's parking lot. Much thanks to those who went to all the trouble to torment me. Especially Jackie.. sob sob to think i trusted you haha. Really, thanks everyone =).

Sat for Endocrine exams. Frankly, this system was the slackest of all. Slack as in we are so slack. Haha. Can't blame us.. after our EoS 3 and 2 months break after that.. we need some time to get back into the studying mode. But then it really doesn't help much to have rotations right now just after Endocrine exams. Damn free. No need to study. Lots of break. Haha in other words, damn 'fei' as some of us put it.

Performed for IMU's Gala Dinner at Crowne Plaza Hotel. Forced to wear all black, plus an ugly vest and a bright red bow tie. Prof Ong even mistook Hong Lim for a waiter. Lol. Performance was bad, but the free dinner at Chilli's did more than make up for the embarrassment =P.

Went for IMU Ball at Legend Hotel. Spent much more money preparing for the ball than the ball itself >.<. Rented coat, bought new shirt, tie and pants. Borrowed a belt and shoes from my neighbour. Food was ok (no refill for anything except chinese tea! wth - i drank my champagne and some juice within the first 5 mins). Service was really bad (Jem's table next to us get all the food late haha). Performances was so-so. Games and events were painful. But company was the best and everyone looked lovely hehe =).

GP posting at Klinik Mediviron, Cheras for the past week. Observed two doctors, Dr Suan and Dr Ng. Both are very friendly to us, and taught us all they can. Seen plenty of different cases too, from total amputation of a finger to mild case of Bell's palsy. Only bad thing that happened was that i missed so many turnings everyday, we took the wrong way more times than the right way in total. Haha >.<"

--

Home looked the same, minus me and my brothers. Must have been pretty quiet all these while.

Nothing has changed, yet things don't feel the same. Been almost 2 months since my younger bro went for NS. Older bro won't be back till year end. Little surprise our room would look rather neat, unused for so long.

The baby rabbits grew up. One month old now. Living independently of their mommy rabbit, who's in a cage with their daddy rabbit. At night, Mom would placed the box with baby rabbits in the living room and let them out. So cute to see them scurrying around, hopping here and there trying to explore everywhere.

Perhaps these baby rabbits liven up the atmosphere while us brothers are away. Mom seems pretty happy playing with them. Haha. Somehow i felt guilty for leaving home for so long. Shouldn't we be the ones to keep them company instead, not these rabbits?

I lay down on our double-decker bed last night. Realised that probably for the first time, i'm sleeping alone in the bedroom for so long. Quiet. No one for me to talk to. To banter with. To role-play our soft toys comprising of 3 huge ladybirds (1 handmade), 4 dinosaurs, 3 ducks plus lots more in boxes Mom kept on top of the wardrobe. Haha. Bought another snake for my younger bro and a rat for my older bro from Ikea few weeks ago (their chinese zodiac hehe).

Grandma gonna check for proteinuria on Monday. Seriously hoped it'll be negative. She's 75 now. Diabetes moderately controlled, FBS around 7.0+, BP 160+/70+.

I'm kinda afraid of the future actually. IMU rejected any pleas to change to Seremban CS, citing unavailable seats. Before long i would need to decide on my PMS. Thought i would choose Melbourne initially, but fees there had risen exponentially. Following brother's advice and considering our financial situation, most likely i'll end up further than that. Canada. We'll see. As my Dad puts it, "all we can do is just take one step at a time."

Canada sounds very very far away. Halfway round the globe. Which means i would probably come home even much lesser than my older brother now. Being so far away for so long, without the realisation that i can be home in 3-4 hours, i think i'm gonna be very homesick =(.

I should stop here. This post is getting too long haha. Till next post. Ta.

of enthusiastic 'kids' and nostalgic me

Phew. Just got back not long ago from IMU's Open Day. Volunteered to be a tour guide for both the morning and evening sessions. Haha but i sort of 'skipped' the first tour session and helped around in CSU instead. BUT that's because i was sharing a tour group with Mustaq and yyw - they did all the talking =P. Figure i wouldn't be of much use anyway so i went to measure BMIs instead haha. Evening session led a family of 4 with May Chien. Somehow i enjoyed showing them around.. maybe it's the sense of pride that i've survived more than 1.5 years in IMU? Haha. Small matter, eh? =P. The son, Kevin was really enthusiastic and asked quite a lot. Hope they enjoyed the tour with us =). It was fun for me. Hehe.

Hm. Already going into the third week of Sem 4. Another summative in less than 2 weeks. Endocrine feels really short. Perhaps that's a good thing.

The most important of all.. late night basketball is back!! Ahah.. tho we have to use a volleyball-court-sized basketball court and it's constantly raining everyday >.<. But what the heck, i missed those basketball we play in sem 1 =). Been playing so much the past week my whole body still ached now. Ouch. But i'm happy. The good old days.. feels so nostalgic.

Come to think of it, it was thru basketball that i get to know quite a lot of people. Chia Huan, Chee Mei, Ivy, Florence, Hafiz, Jimi, Karbela, Chin Sern, Soo Peng, Wei Loong, Keat How, Lydia, Kim Chuan, Joseph, Patrick.. just to name a few. Hehe. I was the basketball rep by 'accident', and believe me, that was the first time i had to contact so many strangers. Glad we've all come a long way from there =).

Sem 4 already. 19 months since we were still fresh-faced 'normal' humans =P. Seeing those little 'kids' coming to check out IMU made me think back so much. To the day we just came in, braved thru orientation, bonded together, tried out all sorts of things, joined all sorts of sports, orientate the juniors, went on 'electives'.. looking back, IMU changed so much. Wi-Fi la, plasma screens la, the new 'fourth' floor la, ATM la, computers that work la. And those 'kids' are still complaining bout this and that. Haha.. once the construction on the new block finished, we would only have a couple of months here. Bet i won't recognize IMU when i came back from clinical phase.

8 more months. Then we'll all be apart. Somehow i already dread that day we sit for the last day of our EoS5. Because that means our time in IMU, Bukit Jalil is over.

Then we'll each have to walk down a different path in life. Maybe we'll see and hear from each other again, maybe not.

Kevin asked me whether i knew everyone in my batch. Seriously, i got to know more people in IMU than i've known in my whole life before this (that's because it's the same people in school and in class that i end up with -.-) but there are still names of my batchmates i couldn't put a face to. Sitting in the same lecture theatre for so so long, it felt funny when you still don't know the name of the girl sitting juz a few rows in front of you.

Ah well. There's still time to start learning their names =P

ungrateful me ..

My parents and brother went back to Senai yesterday. They came up on Friday morning and brought me to the bank to open an account. Then while i'm at uni, my mom cleaned my whole apartment and my dad repaired the leaking toilet. On Saturday i went to Low Yat with my dad and bro to buy the power adapter for my router which burned out a few days ago, a stack of DVD-Rs, and a new 200GB hard drive coz the 40GB in this com is almost full. On Sunday, they left for home.

And this is where i don't get myself. I know i should be happy my family came up, even just for a few days. Instead, i have this gloomy feeling over me the whole weekend. Because i couldn't get my 200GB hard drive to work. And because my internet connection still wasn't fixed, even though the router is working now. Which totally spoiled my mood for the weekend. Coz i was hoping that once my parents came, everything will work out perfectly. And everything didn't turn out perfectly the way i hoped.

And it's only the day after they went back that i realised it. I let such small things blind me from seeing what i should've seen. My parents took a day off, travelled more than 300km to fix everything that needed to be fixed in my apartment. Yeah.. all my life, the only thing i hate bout myself is this. Taking things for granted.

But then, don't we all..