looking back and looking forward

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Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' lang syne

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my jo,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary foot,
Sin auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae paidl’d i' the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere!
And gie's a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught,
For auld lang syne.

CHORUS

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Auld Lang Syne
Robert Burns

2008 has passed, 2009 has come. Somehow it felt time has passed too quickly, yet it also felt I've been stuck in the same time for far too long.

--

How has 2008 been for me?

Left IMU, left Vista Komanwel for the last time.

Looked for work with Mus, worked for the first time in my life, earned my first ever paycheck (complete with berbanyak drama haha).

Sat in a long-haul flight for the first time, left Malaysia for the first time (aside from going to Singapore).

Came to Dundee, learned to live on the other side of the world from home.

Got to know old batchmates that I've never talked to before, got to travel and meet up with friends all over UK.

Started clinical phase of studies, took blood from patients for the first time.

Experienced seasons for the first time, felt snow crunching underneath my boots for the first time.

Learned how to ski for the first time, fell down countless times in the process.

--

2008 has seen a great many changes in my life. From being almost fully independent and earning my own dough even just for a while, to leaving my home and coming to a totally unfamiliar town. I'll say 2008 was a great year for me, for the new experiences I had kinda made me a grown up now.

Never one to make new year resolutions, not even one to have any ambitions in life, I realise it is time I take control of my life and not let luck or fate or destiny or whatever it's called dictate what becomes of me. So to start off I'll make a list here of my resolutions for 2009:

Resolutions:
1. Study everyday, allocate at least 2 hours for studies.
2. Be more organised and plan in advance, especially with regards to meeting deadlines and being on time (especially waking up early!).
3. Be more active and get some exercise (already bought weights to pump, will do jogging once it gets hotter)
4. Spend less time in front of the computer, don't waste so much time doing nothing.
5. Donate blood every 3 months. (starting with this Saturday! (: )
6. Donate to a charity or to a street performer at least once. Give away unused/unwanted stuff like clothes.
7. Be more environmental friendly. Use less paper, recycle more.
8. Support free range/free trade foodstuff more.
9. Finish reading at least 4 books.
10. Control spending, do not buy too much unnecessary stuff (keep within my ₤400 monthly budget).
11. Blog more. This might be the only way I can look back on my life next time.
12. Talk to people more, approach more patients, get to know more local friends.

Think that's enough for now haha. Let's see how many I can break keep in a year's time.

Happy New Year 2009 everyone!

Back in Dundee; a month of patients

Okay, so it's not the first time i'm back in Dundee from Fife.

Cut a long story short, stranger asked for a favour, me being 'adventurous' and oh-so-kindhearted, me ended up in Fife for a whole month. Okay, it's only 3 weeks as of now, i've still got one more week to go.

A whole month missing from my blog, just filled up with lots of clinic sessions, ward rounds, and surgery observations. Having gone through Orthopaedics, Rheumatology, Urology AND Ophthalmology in the past month alone, i currently find myself halfway thru ENT. Although, none of these specialties is my thing, really. I realised i can't really do well in Ophthalmo, and it doesn't really appeal to me now.

--

In just one month, i think i've began to change my view on life.

In one month, i've seen, heard, observed almost a hundred patients i'll say. When one is faced with such torrent of endless patients all with their worries and complaints and, for the lack of a better word, diseases, i find it hard to not be thankful for my health.

For each case note i flipped thru, it's like i'm going thru the patient's life in very fast forward. From the first complaint recorded by the GP, to the last result of investigations carried out, each patient hounded by his own problems. Dozens of case notes i had gone thru, some thicker than even the thickest medical textbook. These case notes had been chasing these patients around from hospital to hospital all their lives, taking down every hospital visit they had, every prod and every poke they got.

And i realised, i never really had a case note to call my own.

The only times i've been to the hospital as a patient, is once to get a frontalis sling surgery for my right ptosis, another for my dengue fever, and the last for my fractured wrist. My case notes, if it even exists, must have looked so insignificant beside these patients'.

Really makes me feel ever grateful for the health i've been blessed with so far. And at the same time, morbidly wonder when will it be my turn to be hounded by my case notes, from hospital to hospital.

--

And in one month, i saw 3 patients breaking into tears, two of them while i was talking to them.

An otherwise fit lady who tried to stay positive even when faced with her own frustration with her progressive disability. Kept a strong front, she looked like she would not go down without a fight. Yet when she spoke of her grandchildren, she ended up in tears. She was heartbroken that she's unable to lift her grandchildren up anymore.

An elderly man, advanced in age, talked about his life story. His work, his time in the army, his family. And then he looked into my eyes, and tears welled up in his eyes. "I ain't got much time left," he told me. I tried to search for words in reply, but all i could do was look at his sad smile and gave him a pat. I willed myself not to imagine when that would be me with the sad smile one day.

A young girl, worried about her symptoms. A straighforward presentation, and she herself had researched about it on the internet. The worry that it might be just what she had feared, never showed up till the last moment. And when the doctor honestly confirmed her worst fears, she had nowhere to hide anymore. She broke down with her mum beside. One word has just changed her whole future.

--

After seeing all those patients, it's hard not to try to build up an emotional barrier between me and them. Trying not to be affected by their sad stories. Should i be indifferent, or should i relate to them?

T-minus 73 hours

Denial.

I guess, it's time to come out of it. My 6 months holidays have indeed come to an end. The break i needed so much has finally come and gone. I wished i'd look forward to the next couple of years with much more .. enthusiasm. But somewhere inside of me, there is still some kind of reluctance.

To be so far away from home, it does feel a little surreal. I would need to get used to the time difference first of all. 8 hours. Mom said my biological clock wouldn't need any adjustment, since now right here i'm already nocturnal. Once i get there i would become a 'normal' person. Haha.

At least right now, the financial burden is finally lifted off my parents' shoulders. Dad has been talking to me bout our current situation, and has been assuring me he's still able to cover the university fees if i couldn't get any study grant. Just, barely, i know. Thank all the gods now he doesn't have to worry anymore. They tell my Dad we have been very very lucky. I think so too (:

That done with, it'll be the last hurdle for me to study in Dundee. I know, Dad wants me to just concentrate on studies and not worry myself with the finances. Well, the past few months, i tried at least to cover my own expenses with my office job and part time job. Haha, but just, barely.

Even before i leave for studies overseas, i already have been getting 'ang pows'. From Grandma, my aunts, even Uncle Tan next door. Hehe. Didn't expect to get that much.

A little more than 72 hours, and i'll be on that plane. Do miss all my friends of course, especially those in Bukit Jalil and Seremban. I know we didn't spend much time together while i was still here, but i'm still grateful we did. Dundee seems pretty cold. Lonely, perhaps.

Everything already packed up, it's hard to believe that i'm ready to leave now. I'm still trying to digest that. It takes months, but i have finally reached the next stage.

Acceptance.

And now comes the hard part : start studying again!

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo............ haha

ps - i feel, infinitely grateful .. Lady Luck must have been smiling on my life (: