9632: right to die

So is this the ending those of you who denied his right wanted?

I hope you're happy now.

Rest in peace, Tony. Life was not fair to you, but neither were we as fellow human beings. You have been a true fighter and shown great courage when the rest of us would not be able to. Lots of love from a stranger.

--

I sincerely apologise if anyone is offended but I just have to let it out. Yes, I have very strong feelings regarding this issue.

I have been following Tony Nicklinson's story for the last year or so, and personally I feel it is not right to force him to go through what he has gone through. If by any chance I ever end up in his position, I'd want to know I have the right to end my own misery.

It really broke my heart when I saw the video of him crying after the court decision was announced last week.

I felt that has broken him, as he refused food or treatment for pneumonia after that. He eventually escaped the prison that is his body, but it didn't have to end this way.

There has to be a more dignified way.

Right-to-die petition

Disclaimer: This is my own personal opinion and does not reflect my professional conduct in any way.

8781: untitled

It's spring again.

Today I half-spring-cleaned my room. Reorganised my wardrobe. Reunited with a few long-lost pieces of clothes that I haven't seen for a long time. Said goodbye to a few more, as I packed them off to donate away.

Surreal, just surreal.

I'm moving out in 2, 3 months. Again. It hasn't really gotten to me yet, but I guess I'll feel it more when I clean up my room for the last time before I leave.

Not much time to blog these days, so many unwritten thoughts. Not much time for anything really. And amidst the blurred ongoings in my life, I added another year to my age.

So many things passing through my mind, passing through my life. So many words unspoken, washed away by the tides of time.

--

Today is 6 days to the end of 5th Year, the final year of my medical school
(fingers crossed).

9 days before our Progress Test.

13 days before Portfolio Submission.

23 days before Portfolio Viva.

62 days to Graduation.

--

Today is the 8781-st day.

And I want to go home.

I need to.

:(

perspective from the other side of the needle

Okay, I lied.

I know I said I'll revive this blog and pull it out from the depths of where-blogs-go-to-lie, but the reasons not to blog grew longer and longer on my mind-written list. It was the lack of inspiration and motivation, really, more than time to blog. As days go by, I grew more and more apathetic about blogging. Once upon a time I can be found typing in front of a computer narrating away on everything, but now, everytime I opened up Blogger's dashboard, I felt a tugging sensation in my mind, telling me, "Why should I even bother?"

For one thing, I have to remind myself, this might be the only footprints left from my past.

So here I am, willing to try again. Let's try this again, shall we?

--

I was at the Blood Donor Centre today. Just a very impromptu decision I made, to do my bit for the 'Greater Good'. Oh I'm so noble haha. Not that it was something new, been donating blood rather irregularly over the past few years anyway. Remembered the first time I donated blood, way back in college, together with the PM1 gang. Not much else recalled though, ain't sure did I grit my teeth all throughout or did I thrashed about and screamed at the nurses with burning eyes who were ill-bent on drawing blood out of me. I'm pretty sure the second part was just a dream. I think.

Now that I'm in my final year studying medicine (and seen more than I ever thought I would in my life), it's a kinda strange feeling to know so much more about what was going on during the blood donating process, while donating blood.

I used to think the alcohol wipes they use to clean the skin before they stab me with the giant needle contained some kind of painkiller to numb my skin. I made that part up to reassure myself I guess, trying to psyche myself into believing that it'll be a painless process. Mind you, that needle is BIG okay. Like the size of the drinking straw you suck your milo ais out of the glass through. Alright maybe not that big, but it's still big, kay?

As I lie on the bed with my right arm extended and the nurse wiping ever so thoroughly with the alcohol swabs, I glanced at the soon-to-be-pricked site on my arm with a little hesitance. I know I have prominent veins and the nurses do this all the time, but that tiny delusion I used to held on tightly to convince myself "it's not painful, it's not painful, it's not- .. okay, it might sting a little" is all but dispelled by my 4 years of book-hugging.

"You doing fine there?" the nurse asked out of the blue. I came out of the thoughts in my head, as I noted she was looking up at my face. "Yup" I managed to reply as cheerfully as I could, just before she proceed to bring the needle closer .. and closer .. to my skin .. as my eyes widened.

--

It's one thing to prick others with a needle. It's another thing to let others prick you. I've lost count of how many unfortunate patients have been on the receiving end of the needle in my hand, yet that did not really harden me much to being pricked myself. There is still the hesitance as the nurse wipe at your skin, the fear as you glance at the needle, and the teeth-gritting as you hear the foreboding words, "Sharp coming".

The pain, of course, was insignificant. It wasn't the amount of pain anticipated that caused the gut shrinking as I see the needle, but more of the anticipation of pain itself. Each time during blood donation, I tried not to look away from the needle but ended up turning my head away anyway. Kinda like a reflex that I couldn't stop. Heh. Let's see if I manage to do that next time.

Just an interesting observation of my own self during the otherwise uneventful 30 minutes of getting blood out of me. Oh, besides the bloke next to me getting his needle accidentally tugged out and have his blood pouring all over the floor. Just kidding haha.

--

PS - Please donate blood as often as you can. It doesn't hurt much (even so, it's more than worth it), doesn't take much time, and everyone (mostly) can do it. I've personally seen lives being saved by donated blood right in front of my eyes. It's the least and the most one can ever do for another, giving them a chance to live :)

the days are getting shorter

It's June now. I've just spent the last day of my work last Saturday, the end of last month. Technically, i am free from any bond or contract. In other words, now i'm part of the unemployed community. Yay!

True that i've been looking forward for this day to come. Ever since work becomes boring, and the one hour travel to and another fro becomes increasingly a waste of time. There wasn't much that was entrusted to me at work, partly 'cause i'm only working there temporarily. Ended up staring at the monitor screen in front of me, wondering what else i could do, day in day out.

Thankfully i was able to access the internet at work, which is ironically, where i spent half of my time at work. Occasionally finding some poor victims on MSN to disturb - mostly Huilin, Jem and Yew Wen (haha).

I had thought i would miss the work, or my (ex)colleagues, or the lonely travel even. Funnily enough, sitting here in front of my laptop having all the time in the world to myself (for the next month, at least), i seriously don't. I'd much prefer to be bumming than working, anytime. Haha i can be such a lazy sod if i wanted to.

There's one thing i miss though. The very core of my survival of those 3-months of intense sleep-inducing boredom. That which sits where i can always find it in times of need.

The Magical Tin of Milo of the Pantry!

It has been the one i look forward to seeing everyday. The moment it's emptied of its content of Milo, it'll always magically(!) fill itself up overnight. Man, i need to get my hands on one of those. Haha. I think i'm suffering from Milo withdrawal syndrome now =/

--

On a more serious note, reaching the end of my working period does hit me hard. It's like one of those to-do-before-i-leave stuff, and most of the list is already crossed out now that it scares me. That before long, i'll be ready to head to those unfamiliar lands.

Ready. I don't think i'll ever be ready to leave. There is too much at stake, and i'm very, very happy status quo. Why can't life remain its familiar self to me. Sigh.

As i woke up today, my mind was replaying the scene when my older brother crossed the checkpoint and left on his plane to Melbourne. I remember me, my younger brother, parents, and our relatives sending him off. As we lost sight of him past the checkpoint, we went to the viewing gallery and watch as his tram took him to the departure area.

Next year, my brother would have graduated. Then it will be my turn to be on the plane. In my mind i saw myself, carrying a big backpack, luggage in stow, walking towards the departure gate. I felt sad.

a look on life (ii)
16 July 2007

It seems almost surreal my turn is coming. I'm already feeling sad.

movingtoofastwheresthebrake / patience

The Seremban gang just finished their first block of posting last week. Tomorrow morning, they'll begin their second posting, while i'll be dragging myself out of bed to go work, Ben and Prasad be poking some mice, HuilinMusYewwen pretending to be doctors, and CheeMei markets.

For the few days break they had, Paul and Winnie came to KL and we had a small gathering together (me, Huilin, Ben, Prasad, Yew Wen, Mus). Movie outing didn't go as planned, so we had a long chat over coffee caramel frappucino at Starbucks, Gardens instead. Haha sudah high class ni.

Caught up on the latest gossips news from Seremban and around. Since we left IMU, so many things had changed it's hard to even keep up with it. Sometimes i feel like i've been left in the past. Where everything's familiar and comforting, instead of the present where everything's changing and i realise i knew less and less of the people i thought i knew.

--

It's almost the end of April now. Will be applying for visa next week or the following. And meanwhile look for flight tickets with Hui Suan. Freaking visa costs more than 660 bucks alone. It's real expensive to study overseas. Sigh. Wonder if i should have stayed instead.

Accommodation proved to be a real headache for me too. I'm left with two choices now, and either one doesn't fit well with the other side. Being the middle person is not easy, eh. I realise it's not always possible to keep both sides happy.

As prasad's latest post, i too don't feel it either. I don't feel like i'm going to leave this country in a little more than 2 months. I don't feel like i'm not going to see these friends much for the next couple of years. I don't feel like soon, i'll be in a totally foreign place with accents i could not comprehend.

I'm just deluding myself into thinking everything would last. That's what we call denial.

--

Much of our talk yesterday focused on one issue. One of the mysteries of life, we'll say, and perhaps we'll never understand why.

Later that night, the question was brought up. "Is there a point when being patient becomes stupid?"

I guess that's why they say patience is a virtue. One can never get enough of a virtue, can they? But there is a difference between being patient and being naive. If you tolerate someone out of sincerity for a friendship, it's patience. If you tolerate someone out of the belief that he'll change, that's naivety. And naive.. is just a polite way of saying stupid. You get the drift.

Ignored, unappreciated, unacknowledged, we still do what we think is the right thing. And we're still trying in the hope that one day, he'll realise what we're doing and done for him.

Maybe everyone will say we're being stupid.

But i sincerely believe we're not. We're just being friends.

Even when he doesn't see it.

Sigh.

--

ps - sitting in Paul's car was.. fun. haha

of rainy-and-sunny land

I stood along the corridor, unable to take a step further. It was a couple of minutes past 6pm, right after my work shift is over.

It was raining heavily.

I looked to the sky and watched the rain clouds floated past high over me. The setting sun, on the further side of my vision, shined brightly still.

Another ten of minutes later, the rain stopped.

--

This, is my home. I can't imagine me myself being anywhere else.

This weather, this cities, this food, this roads, this people, this atmosphere, this rain.

Maybe i was just a frog under a coconut shell, for never having seen outside the boundaries of my own country Malaysia. But one thing i know, this is where i was born, where i grew up, and where i will die. Tanah tumpahnya darahku.

Perhaps this sudden sense of patriotism came about because soon, for the next couple of years or so, my feet will not touch this land more than a couple of weeks a year. Probably even much less.

I just received my offer letter from University of Dundee Medical School last week.

21st July, that's when a new chapter of my life starts. Leaving behind all things comfortable and familiar, i wasn't sure if i made the right choice not to go on with my switch to Seremban Clinical School. But decision's made, the path is chosen, and what's left is up to me myself to tread it.

--

Right now, it always felt like there's a clock somewhere ticking away my time left here. Seconds, minutes, hours, days closer to my departure. I know i'm not ready at all right now, if not for the months ahead for me to prepare i would have been a lost sheep when i get there. baa..

Still, much things to do, letters to type, arrangements to settle, decisions to make.

I just wish life isn't changing this fast.

--

Other note: am amazed that Veejay remembers me. haha. i know i was very quiet/shy/antisocial when i was in primary school, so i thought most people wouldn't have even known i existed.

but maybe that's another story for another day :)

MY: general elections 2008

Indeed, any Malaysian would have known bout it by now. Personally, i, too never have thought everyone could be so -for lack of better word- united. United in their showing of dissatisfaction at the ruling coalition, of course.

While i was never interested in politics, and could never had name any single politician (besides the obviouslah) before this, i still find myself clicking the refresh button on the news page of malaysiakini furiously every minute that fateful night.

And as the results came on one by one, i was amazed at how much the winds of favor had blown towards the opposition. I did expect the public to show their dissatisfaction in the ballot boxes, but denying the ruling coalition of a two third majority, that simply means something is wrong with the ruling coalition. Very wrong.

In fact, starting two weeks ago, anyone who read the newspaper couldn't have possibly not sense something amiss. It got to such a disturbing extent that i had to stop reading them for the whole week leading up to the election. Fair coverage? Yeah, and i couldn't flip a page without stumbling over an accusation of empty promises or threat of chaos and instability.

And some even resorted to childish tactics as well, right here in Sri Petaling. Haha is it any surprise who won the seats?

Still, as much as the ruling coalition had failed to retain the public's favor, i still do wonder how would the 3 opposition parties work together. Good thing that going for an islamic country was dropped from one of the party's manifesto for this year (we chinese can't live without pork! :P). But different ideologies, different leaders, a compromise is for sure but it does remain to be seen how everything'll work out =/

I just hope this change means good things to come.

--

On March 8, 2008, i should had been eligible for voting. But i didn't register myself. I wasn't political-savvy at all, and i thought me casting my vote will be like casting blindly. I didn't want to grow up, i was in denial that it's time i become an adult. But i can't always close my eyes and face away all my life, ya?

I should have made the effort to see what's happening around me. I should have thought about how my country is doing. Should've been start caring and stop being an ignorant child.

Many things had happened this election. Indeed, it has been history in the making.

For me, i guess i finally grew up =)

disorganised thoughts

You asked me why i sighed.

I told you it's because i had to clean up the apartment.

I meant it's because i had to clean up the apartment where i lived in for the past 2.5 years.

--

I'm back in Vista Komanwel, Bukit Jalil now. Came up with my parents to send my brother off to Melbourne. He said this time he bought a one-way ticket. It just add to the morbid feeling that's been tugging at me ever since. He doesn't know when he'll come back again.

As we were about to leave Senai, my grandma stood outside waving goodbye to us. Then she waved goodbye to my brother.

And i saw it.

The sadness in her eyes. The smile on her face that hid her sorrow.

I wanted to cry.

--

Most of the stuff in my apartment had already been moved out, the only things left are furniture waiting to be picked up by my cousin-in-law. I had to throw out most of the stuff. Bits and pieces i accumulated over the past 2.5 years. Bits and pieces of my memories here. The nostalgic me tried to save all i could, but the rational me knew there's no point in holding on to the past.

Orientation booklets, an invitation from Denise to her church's Christmas celebration, the ticket to 8TV's Summer Live Concert i went with Chuihan, ang pows i collected from lion-dancing, name tag from Mount Kinabalu's climb, wushu-ninjutsu lanyards, Rahel's old blouse (don't ask!), just to name a few.

Each and every piece held a memory i had, memories i never want to lose. 5 years on, would i still remember what i did in IMU? 10 years on, would i still remember the faces of these guys and girls so dear to me?

I always found comfort in familiarity. That's why i'm not looking forward to what's coming. Or has already came.

--

Timothy left. Chui Han left. Chow left. Jeremy and Chia Huan leaving next on 9th Feb. One by one leaving Malaysia. It's like watching the water in the well drying up. Slowly, but there's nothing you can do to stop it.

I hate this feeling.

--

It's great to see one of my housemates one more time, the crazy one haha. Being in a half-empty apartment with everything packed up can be very depressing, if not for Mustaqim around doing silly things and making lame jokes. At least it did made me smile :).

--

I have absolutely no idea what my next step will be after handing back the apartment to the agent. Would like to stay and find a job of course, but family definitely want me back for chinese new year. But after chinese new year i guess it'll be harder to find work to do. I'm just so undecided.

And then there's the issue of preparation to go to Dundee. IELTS, visas, accommodation, offer letter, it's enough to wreck this sloth's head. I'm so lazy to plan and settle everything. Sigh.

I would trade this freedom and independence if i could just have another chance to relive the past 2.5 years in IMU.

I miss everyone.

if only life is like a cassette.. and you could rewind and live it all over again

I wonder. Do you suddenly realise you've grown up or are we always growing up?

--

Had a stiff back last Saturday. Stiff lower back to be exact. If i bend for too long, like sitting on a chair, i would have problem straightening my back afterwards. It hurts if i straighten too fast. Which made me end up bongkok (like i have kyphosis of my spine -.-) for like 15 seconds everytime i get my butt off the chair.

Shin Yin said i'm getting old. Haha. None truer words.

Getting better now. Though still a little stiff. Hope nothing serious bout it. You know, being a medical student made you think up of all the possibilities you might have everytime some part of your body goes wrong. For a second i feared i had vertebral collapse (Pott's disease, anyone?) -.-

I do feel old. Everytime i see someone's birth year starting with 199x, i get reminded of the fact that i'm not that young anymore. A one-nine-nine-zero baby would be sitting his/her SPM right now. That's someone 4 years younger than me and he/she is almost done with secondary school.

Not too long ago, a 1990 baby is still a kid who can't wait to catch his/her favourite show on Saturday.
Now, a 1990 baby is already looking forward to his/her date on Saturday.

I miss being young. I miss being so innocent and so carefree. Sigh.

--

A lecturer talked to us last week bout rehabilitation. Then somewhere along, he mentioned that only a family member would have the patience to feed someone who's unable to feed themselves. A nurse/caregiver would probably be shoving spoonful of food into his mouth before he even chew the previous spoonful. Haha not dissing, just an example. Then again, not the nurse/caregiver's fault, as he went on, they're not only caring for that one patient and they don't have all the time in the world.

Reminds me of the time i was small. Grandma would sit next to me, feeding me spoonful after spoonful of dinner. While i was playing some console game, playing computer, running around outside, cycling around outside, or something.

And when she tried to urge me to eat the next spoonful while i was still chewing, i would get irritated (because that interferes with my intense concentration on playing some game). So childish. Haha.

--

Just a while ago i heard crackling sounds in my left ear (which is a wee little bit deaf to high-pitched sounds), and i stuffed my finger into it, hoping what was causing the sounds would cease.

Don't ask me why, i got reminded of the times my Mom used to ask me to lie on her lap, and clean my ear with a cottonbutt. I was too small to use a cottonbutt myself then. I miss that. Haha.

--

And it went on. I got reminded of the times Dad would bring me and my brothers to Holiday Plaza to stock up on our pile of pirated computer games. It has always been a 'big' event for us, coz fun in life was all bout video games at that time -.-. Haha. And when we couldn't find any games that our computer could support, we would rant and complain to him. Ungrateful kids :P.

--

Sigh.

Being grown-up sucks. Not that i could say that since i'm not even working and paying for my own yet (and i'm in denial. i'm not grown up yet! :P).

But somewhere along the journey in life, i lost that carefree-ness and easily-impressed-ness of being a child.

Life became.. different.

Finding 'treasures' in the backyard doesn't seem fun anymore.
Chasing stray chickens around isn't filled with adrenaline.
Instead of wanting more computer games, now i just want more time to rest.
I used to wish time would speed up so i could watch the weekend cartoons, now i wished time would slow down and let me catch my breath.

I guess i did grew up.

--

On a childish note, i'm SO going to get this!

Rock Guitar II [+/- click here].

And another for my brother! It's a PS2 guitar controller. To jam along in Guitar Hero on PS2.

Haha yes! I'm still a boy (inside at least) after all! :P

--

And on a grave note, i'm so so so behind schedule. Sigh.

a look on life (part II)

... continued from previous post

--

Much like how my life has changed, and everyone around me. I woke up at 6am, and the first thought that ran thru my mind was how my parents had aged. They had been working their *** off ever since us 3 brothers were born. Probably even before. Just for a hope for a better education for us.

If not for Lee Foundation, i would not even be studying medicine. Typical chinese family, studying medicine seems like the greatest achievement a chinese can get. Haha. I guess we did made our grandma really proud for me and my brother to be on our way to become doctors. I still remember how she smiles each time i told her i got an A in an exams. That was the greatest reward for me each time.

How time has aged my grandma. I remember she was a rather plump woman years before when us 3 were still small. Now each time i got back, she seems to have lost more weight. She always say she didn't have appetite to eat much. Maybe it's because of her diabetes as well. The last time i was back, she had to sent her urine to check for microalbuminuria. Once it appears in the urine, it's a sign that the kidneys are beginning to fail. There is no 'cure', only delaying the inevitable kidney failure 5,10 years down the road. I didn't ask how the results was. I don't know if i really want to know.

Her eyesight wasn't getting better. Diabetic retinopathy. She's losing sensation in her feet. Diabetice neuropathy. She hasn't eaten anything even remotely sweet in years. Imagine eating bland food, drinks without sugar for the rest of your life. Occasionally she would get a sip of some soft drink, or just something sweet like a bite of ice cream. That's the only sweetness her tastebuds can taste. I know i shouldn't be letting her, but i can't bear to stop her.

Last time we were hyperactive kids running around outside the house and she would always chase us with a spoon of our dinner. Haha. Grandma had been the one taking care of us 3 brothers all the time while our parents went to work. Now, it is time for us to take care of her.

How time has aged my parents. From my first day in primary school, till now. They have always been there. The proudest moment i remember was in Standard 4, when i made a clean sweep of most of the trophies given for academic excellence. More than 10 i guess. Jeng Khay told me i beat him by just one trophy. Haha. They are all displayed on a big cabinet facing our house's front door. Typical chinese family. Haha.

Now years on, my parents were showing signs of the times. Wrinkles had started to show on their faces. My mum used to pluck her white hair, and everytime i would be eager to help her. That was like 5,6 years ago. She has since stopped plucking her white hair. There's just more and more of them. She's just dyeing her hair black every once in a while now.

Dad's hair is thinning. The last time i had my haircut at our ol' faithful barber, he told me my hair is just like my dad's, thinner on the crown, and when i get old my hair will bald like his. It was a shock to me, to know some day i will be bald. But then i realised, my dad's already there.

How time has grown me and my brothers up. We used to be kids playing Lego and Lasy together, roleplaying our numerous soft toys, fighting over who should play the computer. Ah the days of innocence. We are all grown up now, the youngest celebrating his 18th birthday in 3 months time.

Us 3 brothers have been separated from each other for a few years now, since i left home to study in college. The only way we communicate now is thru MSN. And i've been playing an online game with my younger bro these days. Guess that's the only way to bridge the distance.

As i woke up today, my mind was replaying the scene when my older brother crossed the checkpoint and left on his plane to Melbourne. I remember me, my younger brother, parents, and our relatives sending him off. As we lost sight of him past the checkpoint, we went to the viewing gallery and watch as his tram took him to the departure area.

Next year, my brother would have graduated. Then it will be my turn to be on the plane. In my mind i saw myself, carrying a big backpack, luggage in stow, walking towards the departure gate. I felt sad.

How time has made the distance between friends grow. What used to be close friends in primary, secondary school, now are just acquaintances. A few who are still close by stayed in contact, but those faraway were less and less heard. All of us are busy with our own things, and we gotta move on with our lives. Make new friends, lose old ones. Except i don't believe we really lose our friends. The only thing we lost is contact, but our friends are always there.

Soon, one of my closest friends, Wy Keat will be leaving for Edinburgh. He's already survived IMU Bukit Jalil, that lucky bastard. Haha. He's the guy who brought me beer on my 20th birthday. Made me drink and got my face red and everyone was laughing at me at my surprise party. Haha. I got another can of beer he gave in my fridge still. Though we don't really see each other much even in the same uni, soon i won't even get to see him for years. Man. Next year i won't even be seeing most of my friends in uni now. Sigh.

Some day before exams i got a nudge on MSN from someone i hadn't expected. Well, it was 5am in the morning. Haha. Both of us still hasn't slept yet, he finishing up his assignment, me studying at the last minute. The first time we ever chatted with each other since we left EC. He said i looked different. I'll say he looked the same. Haha. Seems like he's getting himself really busy with uni and other stuff. I guess everyone is =).

Funny that he would nudge me at that time, maybe coz i was the only one awake besides him lol. Still, it's really nice to hear from him again. He lightened up my gloomy studying hours. Benjamin Yap Jake Eu. You still got my name wrong. Haha =P.

Ah and Wy Keat.. i still owe you Food Ave's Oreo Milkshake. ^^"

a look on life (part I)

You know you have grown up when you wake up at 6 in the morning and think about your life so far.

It's 5.43am in the morning and i woke up.

It's very rare for me to wake up after the first alarm, let alone before. But somehow today, i only slept for 3 hours. The shortest time i have slept in a day for almost forever. Yet i guess this is the soundest sleep i got in a long long time.

--

Our third exams in 3 months, Renal ICA. Won't comment on the paper, but i guess i could have studied the stuff i thought weren't important. Principles of drug treatments. I totally did not remember anything from there, i thought it was just common sense. Turns out i don't have common sense. Haha. I didn't even know how to answer the questions. Ah well.

Just a few days before my exams, i got my biology clock screwed up. Began sleeping later and later each day, until the day before exams, i slept at 10am. Wasn't planning on sleeping, but i gave up. Bound at home with an ankle sprain for 2 weeks, i have nothing to do at home besides study and turn on my computer. I could almost die at home if i study just a little bit more. I was at my threshold of studying. Any more and i'll lose my mind.

Which is why after the exams, i felt relieved. I forgot how this felt like, to have passed another hurdle. It just seems the run stretched forever, infinite hurdles before me. I did not stay for the 'feedback' session (more like answer-giving session -.-). I just could not care what the answers are. I felt.. free.

--

We got our Repro ICA results right after the exams. 126 of 180 in my batch got A, 30+ got A- (according to Chia Huan's blog, i didn't check). Scary. It puts so much pressure on us to study harder, especially us who're going to PMS. I admit i was intimidated. I hadn't been doing as well as most people since i came into IMU, frankly. My results fluctuate like the temperature here. Probably cause i wasn't the consistently hardworking type.

I got my first consecutive A ever since i came into IMU.

I can't say how happy i was. This meant a lot to me. Forget the fact that probably this is just another A for those straight A students, forget the fact that maybe more than half the batch got the same thing. I studied more than i could for this semester, i tried not to slack. 2 weeks of solid studying before exams. It paid off. As i took the lift down, i celebrated my results for the first time ever in my life. It was just an A in one paper, but it meant everything to me.

You see, by the end of this semester, our matching would start. We would be needed to list down our choice of Partner Medical Schools (PMS) to do our clinical phase. Seeing that my results from Sem1 to Sem3 were inconsistent at best, this semester's exams are my last hope. If i continued my trend of A,B,B-,A-,B+ in sem3, i would have no hope to get my first 3 choice at all.

Just another one for Renal. I need just one more.

--

End of Renal means the we're reaching the end of Sem4. What's left is selectives, which we ALL will be doing History of Medicine. Not much of a 'selectives', eh. But it does seem pretty interesting. Learning how medicine changed, how it came to be the knowledge we're learning today.

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continued on next post ...

homebound

Home again. After more than 2 months i suppose. Feels far longer than that. People would have been surprised to know i didn't come home because i was homesick. More like because i wanna see my parents and grandma. Felt like wanting to see them again.

Much had happened since the last post. For one, i am officially an adult. Yay. But none of me felt 21. Yeah, i'm pretty much in denial haha. Age is just a state of mind =P. Kena 'orientated' in IMU's parking lot. Much thanks to those who went to all the trouble to torment me. Especially Jackie.. sob sob to think i trusted you haha. Really, thanks everyone =).

Sat for Endocrine exams. Frankly, this system was the slackest of all. Slack as in we are so slack. Haha. Can't blame us.. after our EoS 3 and 2 months break after that.. we need some time to get back into the studying mode. But then it really doesn't help much to have rotations right now just after Endocrine exams. Damn free. No need to study. Lots of break. Haha in other words, damn 'fei' as some of us put it.

Performed for IMU's Gala Dinner at Crowne Plaza Hotel. Forced to wear all black, plus an ugly vest and a bright red bow tie. Prof Ong even mistook Hong Lim for a waiter. Lol. Performance was bad, but the free dinner at Chilli's did more than make up for the embarrassment =P.

Went for IMU Ball at Legend Hotel. Spent much more money preparing for the ball than the ball itself >.<. Rented coat, bought new shirt, tie and pants. Borrowed a belt and shoes from my neighbour. Food was ok (no refill for anything except chinese tea! wth - i drank my champagne and some juice within the first 5 mins). Service was really bad (Jem's table next to us get all the food late haha). Performances was so-so. Games and events were painful. But company was the best and everyone looked lovely hehe =).

GP posting at Klinik Mediviron, Cheras for the past week. Observed two doctors, Dr Suan and Dr Ng. Both are very friendly to us, and taught us all they can. Seen plenty of different cases too, from total amputation of a finger to mild case of Bell's palsy. Only bad thing that happened was that i missed so many turnings everyday, we took the wrong way more times than the right way in total. Haha >.<"

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Home looked the same, minus me and my brothers. Must have been pretty quiet all these while.

Nothing has changed, yet things don't feel the same. Been almost 2 months since my younger bro went for NS. Older bro won't be back till year end. Little surprise our room would look rather neat, unused for so long.

The baby rabbits grew up. One month old now. Living independently of their mommy rabbit, who's in a cage with their daddy rabbit. At night, Mom would placed the box with baby rabbits in the living room and let them out. So cute to see them scurrying around, hopping here and there trying to explore everywhere.

Perhaps these baby rabbits liven up the atmosphere while us brothers are away. Mom seems pretty happy playing with them. Haha. Somehow i felt guilty for leaving home for so long. Shouldn't we be the ones to keep them company instead, not these rabbits?

I lay down on our double-decker bed last night. Realised that probably for the first time, i'm sleeping alone in the bedroom for so long. Quiet. No one for me to talk to. To banter with. To role-play our soft toys comprising of 3 huge ladybirds (1 handmade), 4 dinosaurs, 3 ducks plus lots more in boxes Mom kept on top of the wardrobe. Haha. Bought another snake for my younger bro and a rat for my older bro from Ikea few weeks ago (their chinese zodiac hehe).

Grandma gonna check for proteinuria on Monday. Seriously hoped it'll be negative. She's 75 now. Diabetes moderately controlled, FBS around 7.0+, BP 160+/70+.

I'm kinda afraid of the future actually. IMU rejected any pleas to change to Seremban CS, citing unavailable seats. Before long i would need to decide on my PMS. Thought i would choose Melbourne initially, but fees there had risen exponentially. Following brother's advice and considering our financial situation, most likely i'll end up further than that. Canada. We'll see. As my Dad puts it, "all we can do is just take one step at a time."

Canada sounds very very far away. Halfway round the globe. Which means i would probably come home even much lesser than my older brother now. Being so far away for so long, without the realisation that i can be home in 3-4 hours, i think i'm gonna be very homesick =(.

I should stop here. This post is getting too long haha. Till next post. Ta.

of enthusiastic 'kids' and nostalgic me

Phew. Just got back not long ago from IMU's Open Day. Volunteered to be a tour guide for both the morning and evening sessions. Haha but i sort of 'skipped' the first tour session and helped around in CSU instead. BUT that's because i was sharing a tour group with Mustaq and yyw - they did all the talking =P. Figure i wouldn't be of much use anyway so i went to measure BMIs instead haha. Evening session led a family of 4 with May Chien. Somehow i enjoyed showing them around.. maybe it's the sense of pride that i've survived more than 1.5 years in IMU? Haha. Small matter, eh? =P. The son, Kevin was really enthusiastic and asked quite a lot. Hope they enjoyed the tour with us =). It was fun for me. Hehe.

Hm. Already going into the third week of Sem 4. Another summative in less than 2 weeks. Endocrine feels really short. Perhaps that's a good thing.

The most important of all.. late night basketball is back!! Ahah.. tho we have to use a volleyball-court-sized basketball court and it's constantly raining everyday >.<. But what the heck, i missed those basketball we play in sem 1 =). Been playing so much the past week my whole body still ached now. Ouch. But i'm happy. The good old days.. feels so nostalgic.

Come to think of it, it was thru basketball that i get to know quite a lot of people. Chia Huan, Chee Mei, Ivy, Florence, Hafiz, Jimi, Karbela, Chin Sern, Soo Peng, Wei Loong, Keat How, Lydia, Kim Chuan, Joseph, Patrick.. just to name a few. Hehe. I was the basketball rep by 'accident', and believe me, that was the first time i had to contact so many strangers. Glad we've all come a long way from there =).

Sem 4 already. 19 months since we were still fresh-faced 'normal' humans =P. Seeing those little 'kids' coming to check out IMU made me think back so much. To the day we just came in, braved thru orientation, bonded together, tried out all sorts of things, joined all sorts of sports, orientate the juniors, went on 'electives'.. looking back, IMU changed so much. Wi-Fi la, plasma screens la, the new 'fourth' floor la, ATM la, computers that work la. And those 'kids' are still complaining bout this and that. Haha.. once the construction on the new block finished, we would only have a couple of months here. Bet i won't recognize IMU when i came back from clinical phase.

8 more months. Then we'll all be apart. Somehow i already dread that day we sit for the last day of our EoS5. Because that means our time in IMU, Bukit Jalil is over.

Then we'll each have to walk down a different path in life. Maybe we'll see and hear from each other again, maybe not.

Kevin asked me whether i knew everyone in my batch. Seriously, i got to know more people in IMU than i've known in my whole life before this (that's because it's the same people in school and in class that i end up with -.-) but there are still names of my batchmates i couldn't put a face to. Sitting in the same lecture theatre for so so long, it felt funny when you still don't know the name of the girl sitting juz a few rows in front of you.

Ah well. There's still time to start learning their names =P

to pamper or not to pamper?

Went hypermarket-hopping with my family yesterday for the New Year shopping needs. Took more than 3 hours in total to buy the stuff we need. Mommy did most of the shopping though, me, my brother and Daddy were someplace else most of the time. Somewhere with fancy gadgets and electronical stuff. Boys will always be boys =P. (bet my Mom was cursing her luck for having 3 sons and no daughters.. we're no help at all when it comes to groceries shopping haha)

Anyway my younger brother wanted to buy an MP3 player. Dad was already browsing the MP3 players on display.

Sometimes i think my Dad do pamper my younger brother a little too much (ok, i'm getting a liiiittle jealous). Haha no, really. His birthday last year Dad bought him a new camera phone O.o. Though it's not a high-end model and it was a surprise present for my brother, still, he never ask me before he bought it! For advice of course, not whether i want one myself. I still have my eyes on the W850i, and i won't settle for anything less =P.

Then couple of months ago Dad bought a digital radio for 300 bucks. Complete with MP3 playback and digital FM tuning, just like what he had always wanted. I was planning to buy one for one of his birthdays actually.. seems like there's a sudden need to find another present for my lil brother now =S.

And now, Dad bought a Sony NW-E002F with another 300 bucks because lil bro wanted an MP3 player. I was telling my bro to buy a SE Walkman phone instead, since the W710i is only 900 bucks now (he prefer a clamshell phone). Guess i wasn't persuasive enough =/.

Organic Electroluminescent Display. cool, no?

Not that i'm jealous (really!). I just thought since he wanted an MP3 player AND a new phone, it might be more 'economical' to get both at once.

Ah well. As long as my lil bro is happy =)

On another note.. i think i should be saving up money from now to buy that W850i i want. Price is dropping fast and i really want to get that phone before i leave this country next year (or not). Which means no more indulgence for me. Sob sob ='(

times like this i wish i never have to grow up

Sunday, 5th Feb

Took out the dusty old bicycle from my room to cycle. Been so long since i last rode a bike.. remember me and my brother used to cycle into the plantation along with our dad on his motorcycle hehe. Those days when we were still small.. seem so far gone now..

It's an old bike now, tho it was a rather good mountain bike. Everything still works fine it seems.. only the tyres are out of air. Daddy ordered it years ago. Could only remember when the delivery man came, me and my older brother were at home looking at the Singer van stopping outside. Everything other than that is a blur to me now =S.

Some time after Dad bought the Singer bike, we got another old bike from my cousin (i think). Dad refurbished it and spray-painted it red. Though not a mountain bike, we're happy enough =). More like i was happy enough.. since it became the bike i rode on most of the time when i was small. Hehe. My older brother on the mountain bike, me on the red bike, my younger brother with my dad on the motorcycle.. exploring the vast plantation behind our house. Don't know when we stopped doing that already.. probably coz we got too caught up with other stuff like exams and the like. Sigh.

But i digress.

For a moment i thought i had forgotten how to cycle. Wobbling on the bike-that-is-probably-too-small-for-me-now, took me a couple of seconds to realise i still can cycle =P. Went a couple of rounds in front of my house before venturing deeper into the plantation.

Cycling along the path of which i've just an inkling of memory of, i realised even after so long, home will still be home. Though they 'upgraded' the bridge and it's much more sturdier now, with metal guard rails on its sides. The houses on lower grounds behind our place haven't changed, just that the recent flood submerged their homes in mud recently but they had cleaned that up.

I took a turn, cycling on paths that wind deep deep into the plantation. It was a Sunday, and no one else can be seen or heard inside. Just me on my bike, bumping all the way among the oil palms. And for a moment i felt the serenity of being away from everything. Away in a place where nobody can disturb me, and silence is the only sound i heard.

I miss the days when i did not have to worry bout my future plans. I miss the days when i don't have to tell myself to study all the time. I miss the days when my brothers and i do things together. I miss being a small child, doing childish things.

Cycled for almost half an hour before i run out of breath. Can't even cycle all the way uphill now. Seems like i need to exercise more =/. Stopped the bike in the middle of nowhere and sat down on the ground. Stillness all around. So peaceful. I had always preferred to be here than in the city. Perhaps that's because i'd grew up here all my life after all.

Then i realised something else.

My balls are bruised. O.o

Lol. That's enough to make me stop cycling for the day =P.

a morbid post

Just got back from our rotations in KKB yesterday. We didn't do much, just clerked patients and learned physical examination. Yet.. i learned so much.

How behind every patient there's a long story to tell.

A lady with fever. She was diagnosed with dengue earlier but she has pretty much recovered fully by the time we clerk her. Halfway thru, i saw her kids peeping into the ward from outside. No doubt why she's so cheerful that day =)

A guy complaining of abdominal pains. He came into the outpatient department and we chatted with him because we did GI this sem. Apparently he's been bearing with the pain for 3 whole years, and it's because the pain has gotten worse recently that he came to see the doctor. He talked bout his work, his living with his parents, his family. He lost his work because of technological advancements and became a rubber tapper. He couldn't work with the pain these days so he's staying with his parents, who keeps nagging him. He has to take care of two children all by himself because his wife passed away 2 years ago from breast cancer. And i can clearly see the pain he's experiencing isn't the pain in the abdomen. The tears in his eyes isn't due to that persistent abdominal pain. It's how life has been treating him so unfairly.

A man who had been coughing for the last half year. Working in the printing industry. He had seen 3 doctors before being admitted. The first auscultated him and said it was just cough and gave him cough medicine and antibiotics. The second asked a few questions and prescribed him cough medicine again straight away, without doing any examination. It's only the third that heard something on auscultation and advised him to have an X-ray scan, which ultimately lead to the diagnosis of pulmonary tuberculosis. He was in the isolation ward, and he told us bout how prison-like he's feeling. And then the other patients in the isolation ward he met.

One was an old man with TB as well, who passed away during lunchtime. He was asking the old man to eat after seeing the old man keeping quiet and not touching his food. 20 minutes later, he's just gone. The second was another patient who came into the isolation ward and didn't even survive 12 hours. He didn't get a chance to talk to him.

And all the while he talked bout the 2 patients, he pointed to their beds. Reflexively, i turned to look at where he pointed and saw the empty beds. The beds had been neatly made, with the blanket covering them. And i wonder for how many patients, those beds had been their last lying place.

A young man, just a year older than us. Lying on the autopsy table. He killed himself by drinking some poison. His mom smelled something when he came home and asked whether he's ok. He dismissed his mom and went up to his room. One last cry for mom and he collapsed. He never made it to the hospital.

But most of all.. i learned how fragile life really is, and how so many of us never realised it until it's too late.

Recently i found out two friends of friends passed away. I don't really know them of course, but still.. i can't help but feel the tinge. I looked up their friendster profiles. Their faces i'd never see in real life. Their personality i'd never get to know. Their stories i'd never hear.

I read the stuff they wrote about themselves. The testimonials their friends wrote for them. The things they like, the dreams they had, the path they walked.

If only there's another way i can get to know them more.

I thought bout how many people die each day. How each death affects more than one person. I thought bout how if you looked at each stranger's face that passes you by everyday, you might not see one of them anymore the next morning.

And you will never get to hear their life stories first hand.

if only..

So many things i didn't do, so many things i never had the time to do.

At the blink of an eye, probably a quarter of my time here is gone.

Sometimes i wish i had another chance to live this life. To do all the things i wish i did.

Still, no use looking back and 'if only'-ing. Still gotta make the best out of this life.

ps - we all grew up, didn't we?

purpose ..

Juz sat for the Summatives 2 of Foundation 2 yesterday. More than a month of lectures, weeks of revision, for a slightly more than one hour paper. And everything, all the days i have to confine myself to my room, all the hours i had to spend staring at my lecture notes, ended with the paper. At least, weren't they supposed to?

24 hours on after the exams, and i finally felt the pressure of being a medical student. Not that i'm stressed, just that .. the end seems so far. Almost 10 months, and all we've covered are the foundation. Basics. Noobs knowledge. Foundation 2 ended as of yesterday, and right on after that we'll begin our system courses. No rest, no break. And they say we are having it easier than our seniors. Sigh.

Sometimes i do wonder if i can ever stand all this. All this endless lectures.. all this continuous studying .. all this non-stop learning. Sometimes i needed a break so much i felt like skipping the lectures.. the PBLs.. whatever i can skip. Everytime i look for an end to all this, i see nothing. The finishing line is so far beyond the horizon, i just felt like collapsing on the spot and let everything pass me by. Wasn't this the path i chose? Didn't i say i want to become a doctor?

.. become a doctor. I wonder if i really did want to become a doctor. Guess this doubts in me will never cease. Life as a doctor seems so .. noble. So highly regarded by society. So envied by those who didn't have the chance to be one. Yet, being noble is nowhere near my goals in life. I don't want fame, i don't want a reputation either. I don't like having attention on me. If i were to treat a patient anonymously, i'd gladly do so. With a smile.

There comes a time when we look for our purpose in life, right? Some found it in their work, some in their religion, some in their loved ones. For me, 20 years walking on this earth still got me wondering why am I here. I don't meant that in a religious manner.. just that, we need a reason to live, don't we? Something we live for, something we wake up everyday knowing we're still here for. Guess that's why all of a sudden i got this interest in everything. Yeah, everything.

Like, teaching. Patrick made an announcement bout some volunteer teaching at some orphanage. Again, i had that feeling. That feeling of really really wanting to sign up for it. I don't know why. Maybe i just want to try out something new. Maybe i wanted to volunteer, to contribute to society. Maybe i'm looking for it. My purpose.

Anyway, from today onwards, life will be really busy for me now. Weekdays, gonna have clinic visits and CSU sessions in the morning, lectures in the afternoon, and ECA activities in the evening. And still i signed up to have my Saturdays spent teaching. Haha.. i whine bout how busy i am and yet i keep getting myself busier. Sometimes it's so hard to understand myself. *shrug*

9th April

Last Sunday was my birthday. I've hit the next decade of my life. The big 2-0.

I wonder.. what are birthdays for? We don't like, change overnight when our birthday passed. We don't turn one year older when our birthday passed. We just turned one day older.

Maybe birthdays are there to remind us we ARE getting older? Sigh.

This birthday, i looked back on my life like i've never done before. Funny how much i'd changed before i even realise it. How much i had grown up.

With each passing birthday, memories of my childhood seem more like another life altogether. Distant, yet comfortingly familiar. I'm not someone who lives in the past, but as i get older, the past becomes the only constant thing in my life. And yet even that is all but a blur of fleeting impressions of a once-upon-a-time..

And with each passing birthday, i wonder if this is what i wanted in my life. If i'm living the life i want, doing the things i like. I never used to care bout the future, not even my education. Going into Taylor's to do A-Levels is purely decided upon coz most of my friends were going there, and my bro did A-Levels there too. Getting into IMU studying medicine is solely based on the fact that i didn't have many choices to begin with. And i made the decision to study medicine in a single day.

I admit i was someone who only knows how to live in the present. I didn't care what happened in the past. I didn't know how to plan my future.

Maybe that's how i protected myself, being in denial that i need to have some control of my life. Ignorance is bliss, they say. I say ignorance is just a stupid excuse.

Maybe this will be the turning point in my life. The time i decided to take hold of myself and determine how my future gonna be.

Birthdays are there to tell you had lived another year.
Birthdays are there as an excuse for celebrating.
Birthdays are there to remind your friends of you.
Birthdays are there to remind you of yourself.

My 20th birthday. Happy Birthday to me.

I just got bigger =D

shamelessly copied from Yih Seong's blog
have to credit Pwassy for that cute birthday phrase haha =P