Life as a goldfish

One of the goldfish just died this morning. There were two of them, one wholly orange, one with its bottom half silver. And less than 12 hours ago, the silver-bellied one lies at the bottom of the temporary fishbowl - just a plastic container actually. Nobody realised it died till my bro came back from school at 'round 2pm. Yeah i had been sleeping till late afternoon.. again. The strange thing is, i dreamed that same goldfish died last night. Coincidence. Strange. It didn't seem to want to eat the night before. Maybe that explains its death. Or my dream.

Yeah it's just a goldfish, its life not celebrated, its death not mourned. It did not even get buried, let alone get a funeral. Just a flush down the toilet. I don't want to think where it'll end up.

That's life for a goldfish. Living in a fishbowl its whole life. Doing nothing except eat and swim round and round the same confined space. Until finally death liberates it from this watery hell. It lives for the pleasure of us humans. I don't think that's even a good reason for living. Sick, that's what we are. Humans are sick. Tell me that deriving pleasure from watching goldfish trapped in a fishbowl is not sick.

There's even a 'Calvin and Hobbes' comic strip related to this. To quote it,

Calvin : Look, I caught a butterfly!
(showing Hobbes a butterfly trapped in a jar)
Hobbes : If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.

How true. I guess that's human for you.

I think at this point you'd have realise i'm an animal lover. Not those who go around showing off their birds in cages, fish in ponds, or dogs on leashes. They should be ashamed they even dare to call themselves animal lovers. More like animal torturers to me. Isn't limiting someone's freedom a torture to that person? I rather see them live as they truly deserve to live their lives. Free. That's why i never liked zoos.

Sigh. I'd have studied veterinary if not that i think it'll be hard to find work later. Yeah, i'm selfish. Isn't that just being human?

-1.57am, 17 August 2005-

Life in a flash

Yih Seong got us out again today. We didn't really know what we are gonna do initially.. we just planned as we go haha. Pat gave a rare appearance in our outing today, after missing out on so many movies, lunches and stuff. If Ashok and Leong were there, it'll feel so much like a reunion of sorts. Even though we still see each other much more than i thought possible haha =P.

Lunch in the early afternoon, one DotA game to suppress Yih Seong's addiction, and one and a half DVD to last the whole evening. One year down the road, this 'day out' with all of us will not seem likely anymore. Sigh..

As i was driving back, i got caught in a damn bad jam. The cause? An accident. Yeah, they happen everyday, i know. But seeing a car split in half totally is really disturbing. Apparently it hit a tree, most probably skidded of the road as it was raining at that time. I didn't see the driver or passengers, probably on their way to the hospital as i drove past. Life can be so unpredictable. Who knows who'll die tomorrow. But then, i'll never want to know that i'm gonna die tomorrow ;)

Right past the accident, with my foot on the accelerator, my car on the right lane, my speed increasing past 80 km/h, an SUV 500m in front of me signaled to overtake a car. As i drove nearer, that SUV driver seemed to be in a dilemma or something, one moment he looks like he/she's gonna overtake, the next moment he/she's turning back into his lane. You know, like constipation lol. And so i slowed down to let him turn into my lane, as any courteous driver would =P. And all of a sudden he/she slammed on the brakes. In the middle of both lanes. I did the only thing i could think of. Slammed the brakes too. But i didn't slammed it all the way coz i fear my car will skid. And the car behind will bang right into me.

Thank god nothing happened. I managed to stop inches behind that SUV, which is still a third into my lane when i nearly rear-ended him. And the car behind me managed to swerve to the left lane and braked in time too. An accident avoided. Another day to live. Phew.. and did i say i was driving a Kancil? The last thing you'd want to be in in an accident ^^".

-2.35am, 17 August 2005-

And life goes on...

Out we go..
Sigh...so tired these past few days. Been going out so much i hardly had the luxury to wake up late anymore hehe. Not that i hate chilling out with my homies..in a month or so i'll have no one to go out with! It's kinda sad, you know. Everyone will be off studying and me still here rotting at home haha. Sigh...i'm still trying to figure out where to get a job to keep myself busy for the rest of the year. Anybody have any idea?

Anyway..i watched 'The Island' last Sunday, one of those rare movies i actually enjoyed. The way it put us in the clones' perspective, so naive and innocent, in an all-too-familiar future that's really possible. Really good movie, but maybe i enjoyed it so much because i've became so bored of this long holiday. Ah well...

And then Tuesday, Yong Chen got me out for badminton. Don't know why i even agreed..coz my wrist still hurts if i move it too much. But since they only got 3 players and it might be the last time we play badminton in a long while...see how good a friend i am? lol =P. Oh yeah we had some DotA games while waiting to play badminton...and i say those guys really have been practicing haha.

Thursday..we wanted to watch 'Seven Swords' at Leisure Mall but the next show was at 9pm when we got there. And so somehow, just somehow..i don't know what unseen forces possessed us to agree to watch 'Bewitched'. Maybe we were tempted by the offer to 3-4 Yih Seong if it turned out to be sucky haha. He's the one who wanted to watch it so much (at first) anyway lol..

Motorists beware! senaiboy on the loose!
Wow...i never thought my dad would let me drive a car myself, let alone suggest it! O.o Especially since i almost caused the deaths of a bus-load of people last Sunday ^^". I got my first unsupervised driving last Tuesday, though it's less than 30km to Yong Chen's place. And strange that this may sound, i'm actually more scared bout my own driving than anyone else haha. Somehow, when i got on the road, there's a totally different me behind the wheel. I just seem to get so..agressive. Maybe i'm being over-conscious of my own driving. It's surprising you guys don't get freaked out while in my car haha. Bet you don't dare to tumpang my car anymore, eh? haha..

And besides, i always had this fear of getting lost on the road...since i'm really really bad with directions hehe. Almost failed to find my way back after dropping everyone off...took me more than an hour to get home (and because of that, i missed my swimming lesson ^^"). It was like, 'hmm this place looks familiar' and 'where the heck am i' all the way, until i found myself in front of my house. Nothing short of a miracle, really ;).

A2 results out! Unofficial one that is...
Yeah, the day we dread arrived too soon anyway..maybe we should pray harder haha. It has been out since last Monday, and everyone's so eager to know what they get, even though it means calling Mr Ananda himself O.o . I only called Taylor's on Wednesday..NOT because i already know what i'll get, just.. i don't know.. i rather wait till 18th. In the end i gave in anyway, and well.. trying not to sound too proud, i'm really happy with what i get. 4As, just what i've always prayed for =). I won't 'publish' the other's results..you'll just have to ask them yourselves ;). Congrats to all those who got the results that they're happy with...whom i hope is everyone i know ^^.

Goldfish and Newcastle United
My bro's friend gave him 2 little goldfishes yesterday, which are less than 3 fingers' width long. Really cute. They reminded me of what Jermaine Jenas said bout life at Tyneside... "It's like living in a goldfish bowl". O.o I'd hate to see him leave..but looks like he isn't likely to stay for long anyway. Sigh. Newcastle's luck still at an all-time low, losing to Arsenal on their first match of the season just hours ago. I read that there's some controversy over the late penalty, but i'll rather keep my comments to myself (there's Arsenal fans somewhere out there reading my blog =P). Out of Europe, out of reliable strikers (if only Owen would agree to join..). But if the Magpies squad isn't something to be proud of (yet), its supporters' fierce loyalty is ;). Toon Army all the way!

-3.30am, 15 August 2005-

Blogs, luv them, hate them.

Don't know why, but i'm not feeling in the mood to blog lately. Perhaps i contracted the 'too-lazy-to-blog' epidemic that's been spreading thru my friends' blogs recently? I hope not hehe. But still sometimes i wonder..is all this blogging thingy just a fad? Something that comes and goes after everyone got bored of it? From the look of some of my friends' blogs, it sure looks like it. But i have no right to condemn them for not blogging now, do i? As much as i wish they'll continue to blog, it's up to them to type all those posts. And not everyone's as free or bored as me to keep blogging. Sad, yeah i know. Not them, me. Haha. Got nothing to do the whole day..and the only thing interesting happening nowadays is opening up a friend's blog and get shocked that there's a new entry (yeah, new entries come THAT slow). Lol..maybe i should get a job. Fast.

There are times i gave up checking my friends blogs, and turn to total strangers' blogs to amuse myself. And i couldn't help but notice something. As many 'alive' blogs there are out there..there are a few times more 'dead' blogs. Hmm..looks like the epidemic is more farspread than i initially thought. Sigh. But then...among all those typical 'my life' blogs, dusty blogs, 'cant-make-any-less-sense' blogs and weird blogs (as in..WAY too weird to be read), some rare gems do turn up. Like this blog. Bloody funny, extremely offensive (to those who don't know how to take things lightly hehe), and goddamned frank. Best of all, it's Malaysian - you just can relate to whatever he blogged. Do check it out, but i've to warn you first, don't take anything he said..err, typed..seriously. And prepare to have a good laugh over there.

-1.07am, 28 July 2005-

So bored at home..

Nothing much to blog about lately, just that me, Jem, Yong Chen and Irwin went to City Square to catch 'Fantastic Four' this morning. Well, i can't say it's a disappointment, coz i don't really have high hopes for it anyway. But still, it's not as good as all the critics claimed. Watchable? Yes. Fantastic? It's got to be a no from me.

Maybe i've got really jaded by the comic superhero/heroes premise those movie producers try to wring out as much money as possible from. Spiderman(s), X-Men, Daredevil, The Hulk, Batman, and now, Fantastic Four? Give me a break man. Maybe we don't have to wait that long until they start making those Superman movies again. oh wait, they already are making one. My god..

Back to the movie, first thing the story sucks in? Their names. Mr. Fantastic? The Human Torch? Invisible Girl? The Thing?? How much more creative can they get haha. But then, this comic started so damn long ago...maybe the artist just got a 'comic-superhero-names' block..whatever you call that. Can't blame the movie then. The second thing? I dunno...it just makes me feel empty inside. Like when you're watching all the 'Friends' episodes at one go. Or when you're playing DotA for the millionth time. The excitement just isn't there anymore. Sigh. Oh and btw, Julian Mcmahon (as Dr. Doom) just keep reminding me of Christian in Nip/Tuck. Lol..Dr. Doom sucks. The only thing good about this movie? It reminds me that i don't like Fantastic Four, movie or comic or whatever. Yes, i'm biased. So? Sue me =P

Oh and before i forget..here's dedicating a short section to one of my friends. HAPPY BIRTHDAY LI HWA! =). It's her birthday yesterday, so maybe i should say HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! =P Funny how we can still remain friends though we haven't met each other yet haha. Well, best of luck in your STPM later this year ;). Give it your best, k?

-1.52am, 28 July 2005-
And before any of you say anything, we're just friends ;). No scandals. Haha..

You may not realised it, but sometimes you didn't even fall..

My first thought when i received the letter? Fuck. It was 14th June, exactly 6 weeks after i went to IMU. Yeah, for the interview. Can't say i have nightmares about it, but i didn't really give a good first impression either. Thinking back, going thru the interview once more in my head, it's not really surprising i got put on KIV..which is sort of a waiting list for IMU applicants, so they say. Ok i guess, i tried to be optimistic bout it. I'll just get the good news later.

The only thing is that it never came. Not the good news i've been expecting anyway. It was my bro who broke the news to me, bout a month since i received the letter from IMU. "You are given a conditional offer for the February 2006 intake. Admission into August 2005 intake will be considered based on availability."As i read my bro's SMS over and over again, the same thing just keep echoing in my head. WTF?! Before that, my hopes were high, and i've been rather happy to hear that Paul made it in just a few days ago. In fact, i had been hoping that all of us got into IMU. And then the news just smacked me in the face and brought me crashing down to earth. We all made it into IMU all right, but i'll be going in 6 months later. 6 MONTHS?! WTF am i gonna do for 6 MONTHS??. The first few hours had me in denial, wishing that my bro had heard wrongly, wishing that the admission people had gotten it wrong, wishing that this is just a nightmare i'll wake up from. Heck, if only it is.

Then it dawned on me. It's not that i'm disappointed that i won't be able to join my friends, or that i can't accept the fact that my holidays has just been extended for another 6 months. I'll still be able to see my old friends in IMU, and 6 months of holidays will make me fatter at the very least. It's my family's disappointment that i can't take... especially my parents and grandma. Perhaps that's what been driving me to do well in my studies all the time... i never want to see their disappointed faces, not if i can help it. And thank god they took the news better than i expected. They were cool bout it, and it helped me get back on my feet even before i reach the ground. Family's support, that's a great force that keeps me standing tall.

A week later, my last doubts disappeared, my denial finally over, the moment i read the first sentence of the letter from IMU i received today..
"Please find enclosed your Conditional Offer of Admission into the medical programme for the February 2006 intake."
It's confirmed then. Somehow, in a different way, receiving this letter from IMU brought me some relief. At least i got in. Phew. By the time i got this letter, i've had come to accept it. Getting into IMU in Feb next year doesn't seem as bad as it sounds initially. In fact, i've started looking forward to it now. As for the 6 months, i just saw that 7-11 in the town nearby is hiring...

If anything, this moment in my life had taught me something - sometimes, things aren't as bad as it seems. We just have to take a step back and look at the whole thing, then we'll realise most of the time we worry for nothing. This may not be a major setback in my life, but i got depressed over it for nothing, even if it's just for a few hours. Life's all about living, and feeling down all the time ain't a way of living. I keep reminding myself that.

-2.59am, 22 July 2005-

i wonder wat sound does crap makes...

My...it's been a really long time since i blogged. Not that i don't want to..but more like i can't. Somehow i managed to fracture my right wrist during our only futsal game last last Friday, which is a week plus ago. Doesn't hurt much unless i tried to turn or bend my hand. It's much better now, but i still can't turn my hand much. Am i getting paranoid? Nah..not in the least bit =P. Haha..some friends implied that i should be more worried ^^. Thanks for all the concern...but we shouldn't be worrying too much all the time. Life's no fun if we keep worrying, aight? ;)

Calling out some old friends..
First off, i wanna apologize to Yih Seong especially for 'boycotting' your outing haha. Well, actually YS called me, Yong Chen and Jem for some chilling out with Boon Shih who juz got back to JB not long ago. Due to some 'miscommunication', i thought the plans wasn't confirmed so the outing was scrapped. My bad ^^". Not to mention i slept right thru the supposedly meeting time and missed Yih Seong's message that morning =P. Can't help it haha..

And so i tried to make it up for Boon Shih, and called him out for lunch and movie this afternoon (Yih Seong rejected me ='(, so i ain't putting his name instead of Boon's haha =P). Managed to get Wy Keat and Looi out along too. Wanted to get Yohannes and Jeng Khay out as well but they can't make it. Sigh. So 4 of us had lunch at City Square and watched 'The Amityville Horror' coz there was nothing else to watch, short of 'Qaisy & Laila' lol =P. Boon Shih watched 'Initial D' edi..and Wy Keat can't make it for the 'War of the Worlds'. Still, the movie was rather ok..maybe different from what i've always watched in the cinema..you know, sci-fi and action type of movies. Too bad Wy Keat didn't like horror movies..he even slept halfway thru the movie haha..

Life changes..people changes..
It's interesting how life brings us apart...only a few years ago we see each other in school everyday. And right now we don't even contact each other more than an occasional 'How'd you doing' message. I know, we have our own lives to live, and sometimes, old friends gotta take a backseat..or backseats...or..wateva..to hell with grammar lol =P. I'm a rather sentimental person i admit, and i tend to cling on to friendships for as long as they can last. It's sad some people don't share the way i feel bout friendships..to the point that i see them as 'phantom friends' already. They're out there all right, and they'll respond if you called (if you're lucky hehe ;) ), but other than that you won't hear nothing from them. Unless silence is something that can be heard.

Then again, maybe they have reasons not to call me up all those time. Well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise, if every one of them called me up all the time i won't even have time to sleep haha ^^. Anyway, i gotta admit i've been guilty of being a 'phantom friend' to a great lot of people too. Not that i don't want to, or that i don't have the time to message them (how long does it take to type 'how's life?'). Just that..i feel that i don't even know them anymore. Over the years, we drift apart so much we're more like strangers to each other than friends.

Then again, how do you define 'friends'..people have different definitions for that. Me, i see friends as those people who i can count on anytime. There are friends who have been quiet all the time, but will be ready to get you back on your feet whenever you fall. Those people are friends to me. Then there are so-called 'friends' who make noise around you all the time, but will miraculously disappear out of your sight whenever you get into trouble. Those people..well, i dunno wat to call them. Selfish ingrates doesn't sound too crude, does it? haha...

Anyway, just a note here..i certainly ain't taking a potshot at anyone, juz me mumbling rubbish =P. And i sincerely apologize if i offended someone. I have lots of great friends, some really great friends, and a few really f**king great friends to be grateful for =). You may not realise it, but it's people like you that makes life worth living...besides the television of course haha. Again, i'm not referring to anyone so don't get too self-important yet lol =P

-3.45am, 14 July 2005-